Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
One Legacy
Death is an extremely interesting, overwhelming, and profound aspect of life. For whatever reason that I haven’t found out yet, I’ve been around death quite a bit since I was 7 years old. I don’t see death as a negative or even in the moment, feel that something ‘negative’ has happened. I do believe I have that perspective because my outlook on life is eternal. When a person dies, their life on Earth should be celebrated. Although it may be sad that person is no longer present and not available for a phone conversation, we have been blessed so much by their life and should be happy for them being in a much, much better place.
Why all the death talk, you ask?
Well….yes, someone close to us in Damien’s immediate family passed away after a 3 year battle with cancer. It was the first experience I’ve ever had being able to ‘say goodbye’ to the person. Therefore, when it happened, everyone was prepared. Afterwards, it was a beautiful picture to see the family come together in love and truly celebrate the life of someone that impacted all of us.
It was the type of service where everyone should’ve been thinking…”I want my family to say this about me at my funeral.”
“….An ethical and integral business person…a devoted family person…a missionary….someone who dedicated their life to Christ and now leaves behind a legacy…”
The spokesperson at the service challenged everyone there, to challenge themselves in their own life. What type of legacy do we want to leave behind? Do we want it to be evident that we challenged ourselves past our comfort zones to be a better person, help others, and change lives? When someone looks back on our legacy, will it be evident that Christ and faith lead our life and not personal gain?
Every single time I met with this person, they challenged me; not with their words, but the way I saw them consistently live their life. And now, I feel they have left me and everyone in their life the biggest challenge any human could.
I share how I was impacted because I think it’s one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves. “How do I want to be remembered?” At first, it sounds cliché. But when you start to realize how short your time really is here…and that when you leave the only thing your family has to hold onto is what you left behind; the profoundness of it all is so mind boggling, you’re forced back to reality.
So, as you ponder that, I’d like to thank you all for your patience. The e-mails and encouraging messages I’ve received have, as always, been more than wonderful and help me keep focused. Because of this experience as well as some other life changing news, I needed a break from life. Have you ever felt that way? I needed a few weekends to organize my life in order to keep going on the right track if you know what I mean. So, I’m back :) And, I’ve got some material and articles I can’t wait to share with you all. Will write soon!
Why all the death talk, you ask?
Well….yes, someone close to us in Damien’s immediate family passed away after a 3 year battle with cancer. It was the first experience I’ve ever had being able to ‘say goodbye’ to the person. Therefore, when it happened, everyone was prepared. Afterwards, it was a beautiful picture to see the family come together in love and truly celebrate the life of someone that impacted all of us.
It was the type of service where everyone should’ve been thinking…”I want my family to say this about me at my funeral.”
“….An ethical and integral business person…a devoted family person…a missionary….someone who dedicated their life to Christ and now leaves behind a legacy…”
The spokesperson at the service challenged everyone there, to challenge themselves in their own life. What type of legacy do we want to leave behind? Do we want it to be evident that we challenged ourselves past our comfort zones to be a better person, help others, and change lives? When someone looks back on our legacy, will it be evident that Christ and faith lead our life and not personal gain?
Every single time I met with this person, they challenged me; not with their words, but the way I saw them consistently live their life. And now, I feel they have left me and everyone in their life the biggest challenge any human could.
I share how I was impacted because I think it’s one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves. “How do I want to be remembered?” At first, it sounds cliché. But when you start to realize how short your time really is here…and that when you leave the only thing your family has to hold onto is what you left behind; the profoundness of it all is so mind boggling, you’re forced back to reality.
So, as you ponder that, I’d like to thank you all for your patience. The e-mails and encouraging messages I’ve received have, as always, been more than wonderful and help me keep focused. Because of this experience as well as some other life changing news, I needed a break from life. Have you ever felt that way? I needed a few weekends to organize my life in order to keep going on the right track if you know what I mean. So, I’m back :) And, I’ve got some material and articles I can’t wait to share with you all. Will write soon!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Good or Bad Tension
Tension-filled, awkward situations have become the story of my life these past 4-5 years. I’ve learned to embrace them and learn from them. I think families, in particular, do everything that they can to avoid awkward situations. Either by….choosing not to show up when someone else does, withdrawing from the family, or my personal favorite, sweeping the issues under the rug and doing everything possible to avoid it altogether. This, however, does not mean feelings are unfelt. Most likely, there’s that stiff feeling in the air that everyone feels and few acknowledge.
For me, I observed that if I just welcome this uneasy feeling, embrace it – then I can control it. I can control how it affects me and the way it makes me feel. I had to come to this, I believe, since I am usually the cause of the ‘awkward’ situations that I’ve grown so accustomed to. This is not limited to just my families. I have seen people in my life, as a group and as separate individuals, take the roller coaster ride of unforgiveness, tolerance, acceptance, and then eventually, love. It is not my duty to determine whether they are where I think they ‘should be’, although that is sometimes difficult.
Sometimes, there’s ‘good tension’. This usually comes during the acceptance stage. Maybe there’s a reason they’ve had to become accepting…..a work situation, a holiday such as Christmas, they figured ‘it’s time’, or maybe they’ve determined, “it’s for the greater good”.
Bad tension can be a little more intimidating. This might happen when two people have to be in the same room when they’d prefer not to be. Maybe this is still in the unforgiveness stage which is the hardest- glances and stares that could kill; tension you could slice with a knife. Or the ‘tolerance’ stage – where tension is definitely heated, glances might still be there, but there’s an overriding ‘let’s just get through this’ agreement in the room. This could also take place in a work environment, a family get-together, a court room, or maybe a school function for the kids.
Either way, everyone involved in the situation has an opportunity to grow as a person. I think the reason why people have a hard time with ‘tension’ is because it requires compromise and sometimes, the dreaded aspect of ‘humility’. Humility is somehow thought of as ‘defeated’. Therefore, a righteous attitude is developed. “Why should I have to deal with this? Why should I have to humble myself for this person? They deserve what they’ve chosen….I’m just going to take care of me.” So, I guess there’s also another aspect which needs to be mentioned: Grace. Grace travels outside of karma. Showing grace to someone who the world thinks ‘doesn’t deserve it’, is one of the most precious forms of communicating love I have ever known.
Who in your life could you show a little grace to? When is the next ‘tension-filled’ moment you expect between you and your family, co-workers, or friends? How can you embrace the situation so that you feel comfortable in your own skin, and therefore affect the room with your positive approach? Are you the person in the room that’s causing the tension? What do you need to change in your mind so that you can free yourself of that burden?
For me, I observed that if I just welcome this uneasy feeling, embrace it – then I can control it. I can control how it affects me and the way it makes me feel. I had to come to this, I believe, since I am usually the cause of the ‘awkward’ situations that I’ve grown so accustomed to. This is not limited to just my families. I have seen people in my life, as a group and as separate individuals, take the roller coaster ride of unforgiveness, tolerance, acceptance, and then eventually, love. It is not my duty to determine whether they are where I think they ‘should be’, although that is sometimes difficult.
Sometimes, there’s ‘good tension’. This usually comes during the acceptance stage. Maybe there’s a reason they’ve had to become accepting…..a work situation, a holiday such as Christmas, they figured ‘it’s time’, or maybe they’ve determined, “it’s for the greater good”.
Bad tension can be a little more intimidating. This might happen when two people have to be in the same room when they’d prefer not to be. Maybe this is still in the unforgiveness stage which is the hardest- glances and stares that could kill; tension you could slice with a knife. Or the ‘tolerance’ stage – where tension is definitely heated, glances might still be there, but there’s an overriding ‘let’s just get through this’ agreement in the room. This could also take place in a work environment, a family get-together, a court room, or maybe a school function for the kids.
Either way, everyone involved in the situation has an opportunity to grow as a person. I think the reason why people have a hard time with ‘tension’ is because it requires compromise and sometimes, the dreaded aspect of ‘humility’. Humility is somehow thought of as ‘defeated’. Therefore, a righteous attitude is developed. “Why should I have to deal with this? Why should I have to humble myself for this person? They deserve what they’ve chosen….I’m just going to take care of me.” So, I guess there’s also another aspect which needs to be mentioned: Grace. Grace travels outside of karma. Showing grace to someone who the world thinks ‘doesn’t deserve it’, is one of the most precious forms of communicating love I have ever known.
Who in your life could you show a little grace to? When is the next ‘tension-filled’ moment you expect between you and your family, co-workers, or friends? How can you embrace the situation so that you feel comfortable in your own skin, and therefore affect the room with your positive approach? Are you the person in the room that’s causing the tension? What do you need to change in your mind so that you can free yourself of that burden?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
My First Interview
Hello everyone!! This is what I would call an exciting post. I am very happy to be sharing some news with you.
1st - I was asked by Nate Larkin, author of Samson and the Pirate Monks, to be a guest on his podcast which is now posted on the same link. Most of his listeners are men who believe they struggle with sexual integrity for one reason or another. He asked me to come on so he could interview me about the initial steps I took before doing my pornographic site, as well as my experience during shooting, and how it's affected my life since then. I am so grateful for this opportunity. The podcast is Episode 26 and my interview comes in around the 44:00 mark. My suggestion is to subscribe to the podcast so that navigation is a bit easier. PLUS, it's a great podcast anyway that discusses very important topics.
(**by the way...I made a detailed error during my interview. I said that I did 10 sets of photos, 100 photos each. Please note that it was actually 100 sets of photos, 100 photos each.** whooops)
2nd - I will be going to Las Vegas! I am very intrigued to walk the 'city of sin' myself and see it with my own eyes. I can't wait to take pictures, maybe some videos and blog about my travels when I return.
3rd - There's a new YouTube channel! www.youtube.com/JustineSpeaks. Why the switch? Believe it or not, I like talking about topics other than porn and mistakes I've made. Therefore, I wanted a more general YouTube page and since YouTube can’t be convenient and just allow people to change their address, an entirely new page has been created! Nothing is uploaded at the moment, which brings me to….
My 4th exciting reason for this post – The first video that will be uploaded will be the start of a new ‘series’, called Conversation Couch. The video will describe what the series entails so I won’t spoil it with any information!
So, that’s it for now. I hope and pray you’re all doing well. Thanks for reading!
1st - I was asked by Nate Larkin, author of Samson and the Pirate Monks, to be a guest on his podcast which is now posted on the same link. Most of his listeners are men who believe they struggle with sexual integrity for one reason or another. He asked me to come on so he could interview me about the initial steps I took before doing my pornographic site, as well as my experience during shooting, and how it's affected my life since then. I am so grateful for this opportunity. The podcast is Episode 26 and my interview comes in around the 44:00 mark. My suggestion is to subscribe to the podcast so that navigation is a bit easier. PLUS, it's a great podcast anyway that discusses very important topics.
(**by the way...I made a detailed error during my interview. I said that I did 10 sets of photos, 100 photos each. Please note that it was actually 100 sets of photos, 100 photos each.** whooops)
2nd - I will be going to Las Vegas! I am very intrigued to walk the 'city of sin' myself and see it with my own eyes. I can't wait to take pictures, maybe some videos and blog about my travels when I return.
3rd - There's a new YouTube channel! www.youtube.com/JustineSpeaks. Why the switch? Believe it or not, I like talking about topics other than porn and mistakes I've made. Therefore, I wanted a more general YouTube page and since YouTube can’t be convenient and just allow people to change their address, an entirely new page has been created! Nothing is uploaded at the moment, which brings me to….
My 4th exciting reason for this post – The first video that will be uploaded will be the start of a new ‘series’, called Conversation Couch. The video will describe what the series entails so I won’t spoil it with any information!
So, that’s it for now. I hope and pray you’re all doing well. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Pirate Monks and Porn Stars
Do you guys remember my post, In Somebody Else's Words, when I introduced you to the site, iamsecond.com?
Well, I didn’t mention it then but Nate Larkin is the author of the book Samson and the Pirate Monks. The book is about his gradual acceleration into a secret life of lies, porn, and sex. Nate was like many of you, just a normal man and husband, but he was also pastor with a ministry. Knowing that he was a fraud to his friends and family, he came clean about his struggle with sexual integrity. And there his story began.
As one goes through a life changing lesson, there might be a predominant message to be communicated coming out the other side. For Nate, one of his main messages is to call men into authentic relationships with one another, creating community. For men, this is no easy task and I thoroughly appreciate his stance and focal point on the topic.
I also didn’t mention that it was Nate’s book that Damien’s ‘men's group’ had just finished. Therefore, both Damien and I grew to be fans of the book and of Nate himself.
I found out that Nate had become a main blogger for xxxChurch.com and through this, found out he and his wife were to attend a training by xxxChurch down in Miami, FL . His wife was then going to volunteer at xxxChurch’s booth during the porn show.
I decided to follow my gut and do something I normally never would. Damien helped me reach out to Nate and we arranged a meeting. I made the drive down to Miami and for 90 minutes, enjoyed priceless conversation over fish and steak tacos. I’d like to thank Nate for taking the time out of his busy schedule to meet and share his experiences and listen to my story. The knowledge and wisdom gained through our acquaintance will never be forgotten.
Since I had taken the drive down there, I figured I might as well enjoy some of Miami-ami! It turned out I was right next to a popular outdoor pedestrian mall so I decided to check it out. People in Miami are surprisingly different. It was hard to believe I was only several hours away from where I live my life. But here’s what really caught me off guard:
I was waiting at a light to cross the street and over to my left was a very tall man I had seen before with tattoos all over his arms. And next to him was a very pretty blond, who I had also seen before. Where had I seen these people before?! Oh yes……a documentary……about porn!! Right next to me was a very famous female porn star and she started walking as the ‘walking’ symbol appeared.
I began to move and couldn't help but observe her. I never thought I’d run into a porn star, let alone one I recognized. She was thin……..short……dressed like any other person walking around….shopping……she was real…..with her husband.
Then the inevitable thoughts entered my mind….”I wonder what type of marital problems they have? I wonder if her having sex for a living affects their sex life and how? … Strip all the spiritual and moral stuff away, being married and maintaining a normal sex life is hard for any couple. How much more would that be magnified if you had to work through the issues that the adult industry would bring?”
Then they walked into McDonald's and she kept her sunglasses on..…I wondered if that was because she didn’t want anyone to recognize her if she could help it.
From that point on, I felt like every scantily clad woman might be a porn star! I pondered this observance and thought back to those few days in my life, when I actually wanted to be a solo girl. I would have loved to walk down an outdoor pedestrian mall, feeling sexy and confident. If I would have stayed in the industry, I realized I could have been walking side by side with that porn star for a very different reason than the one I was there for. It could have been for the same reason. I could have been attending the same porn show for the same motives.
MAN - It's crazy how my life and desires have done a complete 180!!
And for the record…..I’d trade a solo girl career and a porn show for a wisdom filled conversation with Nate Larkin any day!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The Elevator Stops At All Floors
Have you ever felt like you were on a downward spiral? Have you ever let your significant other down on multiple occasions....and knew the next failure was only weeks, possibly days away?
Have you ever watched someone go down the path of destruction....wondering what it was going to take for them to realize where they were headed?
Homeless.....Moneyless.....Friendless.....Familyless.......
For whatever reason....something in our psyche tempts us to push the envelope just a tad more.
"No one will find out.."
"Just one more time.."
"Just one more click.."
Why does it seem like one must lose everything until they finally realize the cost they have been sacrificing?
Think of the worst habit you have in your life right now, whether it be porn, spending too much money, lying, or even biting your finger nails! Let's just say that if you bit your finger nails enough, consistently enough, you would lose your job. How far would you go to 'bite your finger nails just enough' to not lose your job?
Ok, enough about biting finger nails. ugh.
My point is...you don't have to hit rock bottom to turn your life around. And whatever habit you struggle with doesn't need to be out of control in order to want to turn your life around. What's it worth?
You family? Your job? Your reputation?
Most likely, it's not.
What would you have to do to 'get off the elevator'? (I know, I know, I'm killin' it with the analogies!)
But seriously......would you really rather the elevator hit the bottom floor before you decided to get off?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Okay, okay, okay, okay, O-KAY!
Hold the phone! Let's all just calm down....
A few things...I hope everyone is doing fantastic. Spring has hit me like a tons of bricks and I love spring because for some reason, I always get a lot done (who knows, maybe it's the 'spring cleaning' mentality) but in the same breath, it always seems like there more to DO! While I was in an extremely painful stretch at Yoga on Saturday, my instructor simply said, "As much as your body stresses in every day life, your mind doesn't need to attach to those things." I've been trying to keep that in mind. So, I hope with everything going on, you all can find some sort of peace during your week either alone or with you family. Take that breath :)
So, I'm taking another breath...wondering if I should hold it...but, that wouldn't be very constructive, so I might as well write it out. In response to the comments under the post "I Told you So", I'd like to say some things.
First off...thank you to all who commented for taking the time to write your thoughts. I'd like to preface what I'm about to say by stating something.
I'm not going to sit here and defend myself.
For a few reasons, really...... 1. I am convinced it doesn't matter what I say - anyone who is decided in their ways and unwilling to investigate further isn't going to change their opinion based on my words or actions; everything would be assumed to have an ulterior motive on my part.
2. Based on my personal beliefs, the only person I really have to answer to is Jesus. He's already been ahead of all of you, putting my faults and consequences in my face, asking me how I will deal with them. He's the only one who can truly see what you're all trying to determine. He's my defender. I don't owe anyone an explanation besides Him.
Now....in the same breath....I am willing to explain things - given the fact that it can be constructive in nature and that there is hope on the other end.
So - mostly because I see there are some very obvious questions to answer, I shall do just that.
To the anonymous poster to knows me......I don't honestly have the slightest clue who you are. So, I'll do my best.
You said I hurt you. And although you said you're over it, I don't believe you've ever told me in person that I hurt you - so I would like to humbly apologize for the tornado I put into your life. I am 100% responsible for my own actions and I did countless amounts of things that were wrong, and I give you no excuses. My words and actions can't wipe the things I've done clean - I ask for your forgiveness and willingness to have an open heart.
Now if I may respond to your comment-
You said some things that concern me deeply. You must be somewhat close to the family, if not a part of the family, and yet there are so many things you do not know. I would much rather say these things personally...on a phone call or over coffee - even an e-mail. So, please, please call me. You obviously have resources to my number.
You've mentioned times we've been together during the past year, where I've lied. This is when I'm completely perplexed. Damien and I have no reasons to lie anymore. Anyone who has genuinely talked to us about what we're doing in life has gotten the complete truth. We can't afford to keep lying. Everything is on the table and for that, I am grateful. If you would only give me the opportunity, I'd love to be able to tell you the visions I have for this ministry, as well as what's taking place in the community. I purposely don't mention everything on this blog. This blog is meant for a very specific thing.
I believe something is being misinterpreted. I am aware of the consequences of this blog. They have all been weighed very heavily. Agree or disagree, it's been decided that the weight of the good this blog can bring outweighs the bad, which would include possibly missing out on corporate opportunities, Dawson fans following, etc. I am aware of the reality. One of the topics I post on this blog is how my past 'public' decisions have affected my current and future life as well as how the blog itself, my ministry itself, is affecting my future life. Posts like "I Told You So" are not meant to gain sympathy or say life is unfair - it's so that young women and men (such as those who have contacted me) will think twice about taking their clothes off - so that someone struggling with attraction towards another person or is having an affair might stop and think how it will affect their future - or so people know what they're possibly contributing towards when they are consumers of the adult industry.
I don't ever mean to point fingers. Please take this analogy that I actually heard from someone today....
We might have an idea what war looks like either from news stories, tv shows, mostly movies. And let's say we're talking to a soldier and we're telling him what we know of war. And in a matter of fact, kind expression, he states, "Man...you've never seen war."
That soldier has heard war. He's heard what actual bombs and guns sound like in combat. He's seen people being killed, machinery being operated, lives being sacrificed. He's smelled gun smoke, dead bodies, the dirt misting above the ground.
Please don't think I'm being proud by saying this. But I believe it was I who committed adultery and took a married man away from his family. I believe it was I who decided to do a nude website. And it's me who has had to face those consequences and has had to learn the lessons. I'm not sayin' I know everything and I'm not sayin' I'm perfect. But I am saying I'm not who I was and I believe it's I who has experienced countless amounts of interactions with people choosing to do better simply because they thought twice.
Those people, friend....those people are important to me. You said I should do something for those that really matter. Well - those people matter. Their well being matters and their families matter. This doesn't mean I don't think our family matters. I have our family, my husband's kids, and our future kids best interest at heart. Believe me, if I felt this passion burning deep inside could be fulfilled by keeping my realizations 'within the family', I sure would.
But let's be real. Most members on both sides of our family don't want to hear what we have to say.
Please don't forget that there's a truth you can't ignore. Damien and I have been wrong. We have majorly screwed up. What that means is we have been forced to see what we've done wrong. And have been forced to then choose, once we've seen that wrong, how we will change our attitude or frame of mind or decision path or whatever it is. We're not doing this alone. With the amount of people we've had to reach out to for guidance and the amount of people that have criticized us, I am truly able to say I am confident where we're moving towards is more positive than it is detrimental.
Now, you may not like it. And we will definitely make mistakes on the way (such as, 'maybe I shouldn't have posted that, or maybe I should have done this differently'). But either way, we have decided.
Another anonymous poster commented asking, "How would they know (people reading my blog) if they didn't know the Dawson Miller story?"
If anything, I am saying this to give a little more insight to my story. When me and Damien's relationship was 'realized' by people in the community, my peers decided to post the story online through various gossip journals. There were also news stories online as well as T.V.
With this publicity alone, I had people from as far as the UK contacting me saying they heard of my story. The online content from that experience alone would have been enough to deter my reputation in corporate America had people looked into my name. Some readers are following simply because they've heard my story.
To the other commentors, thank you for your encouragement. Your stories of change inspire me and I thank you for sharing. Derek - thank you especially for the time you put into writing your comments. Your belief in this mission is humbling and I am so thankful for your wisdom.
A few things...I hope everyone is doing fantastic. Spring has hit me like a tons of bricks and I love spring because for some reason, I always get a lot done (who knows, maybe it's the 'spring cleaning' mentality) but in the same breath, it always seems like there more to DO! While I was in an extremely painful stretch at Yoga on Saturday, my instructor simply said, "As much as your body stresses in every day life, your mind doesn't need to attach to those things." I've been trying to keep that in mind. So, I hope with everything going on, you all can find some sort of peace during your week either alone or with you family. Take that breath :)
So, I'm taking another breath...wondering if I should hold it...but, that wouldn't be very constructive, so I might as well write it out. In response to the comments under the post "I Told you So", I'd like to say some things.
First off...thank you to all who commented for taking the time to write your thoughts. I'd like to preface what I'm about to say by stating something.
I'm not going to sit here and defend myself.
For a few reasons, really...... 1. I am convinced it doesn't matter what I say - anyone who is decided in their ways and unwilling to investigate further isn't going to change their opinion based on my words or actions; everything would be assumed to have an ulterior motive on my part.
2. Based on my personal beliefs, the only person I really have to answer to is Jesus. He's already been ahead of all of you, putting my faults and consequences in my face, asking me how I will deal with them. He's the only one who can truly see what you're all trying to determine. He's my defender. I don't owe anyone an explanation besides Him.
Now....in the same breath....I am willing to explain things - given the fact that it can be constructive in nature and that there is hope on the other end.
So - mostly because I see there are some very obvious questions to answer, I shall do just that.
To the anonymous poster to knows me......I don't honestly have the slightest clue who you are. So, I'll do my best.
You said I hurt you. And although you said you're over it, I don't believe you've ever told me in person that I hurt you - so I would like to humbly apologize for the tornado I put into your life. I am 100% responsible for my own actions and I did countless amounts of things that were wrong, and I give you no excuses. My words and actions can't wipe the things I've done clean - I ask for your forgiveness and willingness to have an open heart.
Now if I may respond to your comment-
You said some things that concern me deeply. You must be somewhat close to the family, if not a part of the family, and yet there are so many things you do not know. I would much rather say these things personally...on a phone call or over coffee - even an e-mail. So, please, please call me. You obviously have resources to my number.
You've mentioned times we've been together during the past year, where I've lied. This is when I'm completely perplexed. Damien and I have no reasons to lie anymore. Anyone who has genuinely talked to us about what we're doing in life has gotten the complete truth. We can't afford to keep lying. Everything is on the table and for that, I am grateful. If you would only give me the opportunity, I'd love to be able to tell you the visions I have for this ministry, as well as what's taking place in the community. I purposely don't mention everything on this blog. This blog is meant for a very specific thing.
I believe something is being misinterpreted. I am aware of the consequences of this blog. They have all been weighed very heavily. Agree or disagree, it's been decided that the weight of the good this blog can bring outweighs the bad, which would include possibly missing out on corporate opportunities, Dawson fans following, etc. I am aware of the reality. One of the topics I post on this blog is how my past 'public' decisions have affected my current and future life as well as how the blog itself, my ministry itself, is affecting my future life. Posts like "I Told You So" are not meant to gain sympathy or say life is unfair - it's so that young women and men (such as those who have contacted me) will think twice about taking their clothes off - so that someone struggling with attraction towards another person or is having an affair might stop and think how it will affect their future - or so people know what they're possibly contributing towards when they are consumers of the adult industry.
I don't ever mean to point fingers. Please take this analogy that I actually heard from someone today....
We might have an idea what war looks like either from news stories, tv shows, mostly movies. And let's say we're talking to a soldier and we're telling him what we know of war. And in a matter of fact, kind expression, he states, "Man...you've never seen war."
That soldier has heard war. He's heard what actual bombs and guns sound like in combat. He's seen people being killed, machinery being operated, lives being sacrificed. He's smelled gun smoke, dead bodies, the dirt misting above the ground.
Please don't think I'm being proud by saying this. But I believe it was I who committed adultery and took a married man away from his family. I believe it was I who decided to do a nude website. And it's me who has had to face those consequences and has had to learn the lessons. I'm not sayin' I know everything and I'm not sayin' I'm perfect. But I am saying I'm not who I was and I believe it's I who has experienced countless amounts of interactions with people choosing to do better simply because they thought twice.
Those people, friend....those people are important to me. You said I should do something for those that really matter. Well - those people matter. Their well being matters and their families matter. This doesn't mean I don't think our family matters. I have our family, my husband's kids, and our future kids best interest at heart. Believe me, if I felt this passion burning deep inside could be fulfilled by keeping my realizations 'within the family', I sure would.
But let's be real. Most members on both sides of our family don't want to hear what we have to say.
Please don't forget that there's a truth you can't ignore. Damien and I have been wrong. We have majorly screwed up. What that means is we have been forced to see what we've done wrong. And have been forced to then choose, once we've seen that wrong, how we will change our attitude or frame of mind or decision path or whatever it is. We're not doing this alone. With the amount of people we've had to reach out to for guidance and the amount of people that have criticized us, I am truly able to say I am confident where we're moving towards is more positive than it is detrimental.
Now, you may not like it. And we will definitely make mistakes on the way (such as, 'maybe I shouldn't have posted that, or maybe I should have done this differently'). But either way, we have decided.
Another anonymous poster commented asking, "How would they know (people reading my blog) if they didn't know the Dawson Miller story?"
If anything, I am saying this to give a little more insight to my story. When me and Damien's relationship was 'realized' by people in the community, my peers decided to post the story online through various gossip journals. There were also news stories online as well as T.V.
With this publicity alone, I had people from as far as the UK contacting me saying they heard of my story. The online content from that experience alone would have been enough to deter my reputation in corporate America had people looked into my name. Some readers are following simply because they've heard my story.
To the other commentors, thank you for your encouragement. Your stories of change inspire me and I thank you for sharing. Derek - thank you especially for the time you put into writing your comments. Your belief in this mission is humbling and I am so thankful for your wisdom.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
