Friday, April 27, 2012

A New Phase

Life is made up of phases. Seasons, if you will. "There is a time and a place for everyone and everything". After much consideration, I am writing to let you know the season of this blog, Outside But In Porn, is ending. Before you either A. start crying and begging me to keep going or B. start blasting me with insults, I'll let you know that I am going to continue to blog - just not here. I believe this blog has served its purpose. It provides readers with the real story of Justine I clarify what pornography hopefully helped reveal the truth to pornography viewers and captured their hearts, and encouraged them to make better and healthier decisions for their life, their well-being, and their families. For non-pornography viewers, I hoped to shed some light on how powerful of a force pornography is to their loved ones, and some possible ways to help. I provided some tools to help people make small and effective steps. Finally, I hoped to show everyone that I'm Justine. I'm a wife and mother....before that, a woman. A person. I'm a human with thoughts and feelings that has accomplished some amazing feats but also fell into the temptation that life offers everyone through sex and money. I started this blog for every single one of my readers, even the most disrespectful ones. And for those of you who wrote me the most gracious and encouraging comments and e-mails: you were so many times the lift I needed at the exact, right moment. It's because of you this 'ministry' will never die and I will never shut up.  :)

This year, I will partake in my first speaking engagement. The only way to find out if I'm good at it is to actually do it, right?? I will begin focusing on the site and will start a blog there when the time is right. So, please stay tuned........I'll be back.

Monday, February 6, 2012

You Messed Up and Now Everyone Knows

Let's assume you have an addiction. Let's assume you've gotten help for this addiction and are doing really well fighting your demons. Let's be honest. I rarely hear (although I have occasionally) testimonials from individuals who had an addiction and BAM, it was gone! No more struggling. God truly does work miracles, doesn't He? But I'd say most people who struggle with an addiction....struggle....their. entire. life. Some days are easier than others. Some 'phases' in life are easier than others. And some are downright hopeless feeling.

So, back to the addiction we assume you have. Close your eyes. Okay, wait- read this first, and THEN close your eyes. You've come to a place in your addiction where you feel confident you can 'beat' this. You can live in more of a 'good state' than an awful one. In fact, you've been pretty successful for quite some time now. But every time you relapse (because it happens, people) - not only do those closest to you find out, but a pretty large chunk of the world finds out too. Okay - you just relapsed and your loved ones know plus everyone is talking about it on the news and Internet - close you eyes and imagine it. I'll wait.

What did your thought make you feel like? Mine sorta made me feel like I got punched in the gut. Can't breathe. Don't really want to. Awful. could I be so stupid? Shame. Completely and utter shame. Embarrassed. Not for me...for my life...for my kids, my spouse, my friends. I'm sorry. I don't know how I let this happen. I'm sorry...................

Josh Hamilton not only has to face his wife and teammates when he relapses, but then has to talk about it at a press conference with tons of reporters and thousands of pictures being taken. I couldn't imagine having to do that. I feel like my pride would so easily get defensive and who knows if Hamilton has similar feelings. "Who are all these people that I 'owe' an explanation to?" But Hamilton so graciously gives it - one could only imagine how humbling that experience truly is.

Most of us have a hard enough time facing our spouses when we mess up (if we even tell our spouses). I'd like to share this quote that I believe is anonymous:
No matter how dirty your past is, your future is still spotless.

Vow to make good choices. When and if you relapse- be honest and upfront. Then vow again.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Where do I start?

Several months after I had my son, I said I wasn't sure how often I'd post. I think I was secretly hoping that I'd post a little more often than I have. It's been quite a year. All of the cliche sayings about having a baby are totally true:

"Cherish every moment because the first year flies."
"Before you know it, he'll be one."
"It's the most amazing thing you'll ever experience."

My son turns one on Valentine's Day. :) He already upholds his birth day. He's a little lover and has been my family's own Cupid; aiding in the reconciliation of many relationships. Having him in my life has already taught me so much - and has changed my perspective about so many things. It's possible, but I'd say pretty darn hard to be completely selfish with a child. Everything, and I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g is seen under microscopes and through binoculars to make sure your child's current situation and future is his their best interest. I can already tell it's going to be so, so hard to watch him make mistakes and eventually become 100% independent of me. But at the same time, his accomplishments and adventures in life are going to be some of my greatest moments on this Earth.

Right now, I'm contemplating a few different directions I want to take with my life since my son's first birthday is fast approaching. I have a feeling this year is going to be very adventurous for myself.

So, no, I'm not going to say anything about porn. No life lessons to be learned today. Just an update to let you know I'm here and I want to be here, posting I mean. I plan to continue to post. A goal for this year is to post (however frequent or infrequent) without worry and without fear. God once again showed me recently that He didn't allow me to have a past to be shoved in a closet. He wants it shared. NOT for me. NOT because I have some guilt complex. (which seems totally backwards to me anyway...if I really had a guilt complex, would I be posting about topics related to my worst mistakes just so I could get the inevitable comments that are horrible, hurtful, and rude?) Anyway...................................................No, I will continue to be here and continue to post. And possibly do other things. Because I should. Because other people, as few as there may be, should hear something that could possibly affect their lives in a positive way.

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Road Less Traveled: Humility

Why is it so hard to say 'I'm sorry'? Words that are so simple to pronounce but cripple even the strongest man. It seems ironic that the man with the most humility, and not the most strength, acquires the tools necessary to find victory in the most battles. But I'd say even the most humble of man struggles with the simple phrase, "I'm sorry".

What is it about the phrase is so hard to vocalize? Obviously since it's not the pronunciation, it's the meaning. Saying 'I'm sorry' is a reflection of the inner self. In order to need to say it, one must've done something or said something to put them in a place of shame and guilt. Saying 'I'm sorry' communicates that change has taken place in one's heart, turning from that place of shame and guilt, to humility. What a double whammy. First, you do something that makes you feel like crap and then you have to be completely open, honest, and feel bad about it? It seems like it makes sense but in the midst of it all, it feels something similar to having your free will literally ripped out of your body, slammed on the floor, and stomped on. It goes against the human instinct. People will lie, cheat, steal, prosecute, and blow situations entirely out of proportion all so that they don't have to humble themselves and say those words. I think this is most purely demonstrated in children. When a child has to apologize to another child or an adult, just watch the turmoil on their face. Of course, just as adults do, kids first attempt at an "I'm sorry" is sometimes quick, abrupt, and meaningless. The words themselves mean absolutely nothing without the appropriate emotion.

Imagine a fork in the road. The fork represents your shame and guilt. You've done something and it's time for your personal arch to be a better person (hopefully). One road leads to Humility which starts with those dreadful words of, "I'm sorry". The other road leads to............well.........isn't that something ironic. The other road leads to even more hurt, anger, resentment, probably lies, arguments...and the list goes on. As hard as the road to humility true is it that the alternate road turns out to be harder? Longer?

The next time you find yourself at a fork in the road; challenge yourself. Challenge yourself not to be the strongest man (or woman), but the wisest. And choose to be humble. The road might start out rough but sooner rather than later begins to smooth; where you will begin to reap the benefits of your decision. Both personally and in the relationships around you.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

So, Where Does Integrity Stop?

…”In addition, over the past few years, I have engaged in several inappropriate conversations conducted over Twitter, Facebook, email, and occasionally on the phone with women I had met online.

I have exchanged messages and photos of an explicit nature with about six women over the last three years. For the most part, these relation-- communications took place before my marriage, though some have sadly took place after.

To be clear, I have never met these any of these women or had physical relationships at any time. I haven’t told the truth, and I’ve done things I deeply regret.”

Congressman Anthony Weiner
June 2011

“Another scandal!!”, articles and news show hosts are exclaiming. What peaks my interest about this story isn’t the scandal, it’s the thousands of articles that are surfacing with the question, “Is sexual online communication considered “cheating” or “adultery”? Of course I’d like to share my two cents on this.

Cheating…whether on an exam at school or on your significant other…comes down to integrity. Do you have enough integrity as a person, to not look where you’re not supposed to when no one else is watching?

Integrity…."adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty."

In my personal opinion, integrity is absolute. It doesn’t change depending on the circumstances. It is what it is. It doesn’t suddenly mean something different.

When trying to gauge my own level of integrity concerning a situation, I might ask myself, “Would I want the world to see this?” Or, “Would I be okay with my husband seeing this?” Or, “Would I feel ashamed if my kids saw me doing this?” (Ok, OBVIOUSLY I wish I had asked these questions to myself before deciding to make a nude website….hence why I have so much to say on this topic….I truly have been in the place of justifying to myself why I didn’t need to.)

As I’m sure if Congressman Weiner asked himself that first question, his answer would have been “absolutely not.”

But that’s the thing about engaging in inappropriate online behavior…one doesn’t seem to feel the need to ask those questions. After all, we’re not coming from the stance of integrity. We might be coming from the stance of,

“I feel alone.”

“I feel empty.”

“I need sexual gratification.”

Therefore, we purposely use technology to begin relationships with people or I believe some of us might have fine intentions at first but before we know it, we’ve allowed inappropriate emotional connections to grow between us and someone else over the net.

Based on a few different stats I've found, research says over 60% of us have done this…..Why?

I believe the reason behind someone finding an emotional connection with someone over the internet is the same reason behind why some people look to porn for sexual release. There is no rejection. There is no awkwardness. The fear of getting caught seems so far from reality that we feel protected in our conquest. We feel ‘safe’ away from reality.

IN reality…..somewhere, there is something missing from our own relationships that cause us to seek out these cyber partners.

But…bottom line…if I may answer the question myself. A relationship is a relationship if there’s a human being on the other end, whether there’s physical touch or not. There’s even a case for saying that emotional relationships are far more intimate and long lasting than strictly physical relationships. The emotion doesn’t have to be a deep desire. It could be as simple as the feeling of excitement (ie. Butterflies) to begin a path down a dark alley. Just because you can’t taste his/her kiss doesn’t mean you don’t feel the effects of the passion.

Once thing is for sure. If you’re more eager to get on the computer at night to Facebook with a high school sweetheart, log into Instant Messenger to chat with someone, or send an email; rather than spend time with your significant other – you might want to ask yourself if you’re putting yourself in a good position.

If you are finding yourself in these titillating relationships, you should consider stopping the communication cold turkey and/or being honest with your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband about it. Many spouses are more willing to forgive infidelity or sexual conversations than they are deceit. Be honest about why you’re lusting. If you don’t feel safe enough with your spouse to be honest and really want to be truthful about what you’re going through, seek professional counseling.

Listen…the LAST message I’m trying to send is “look at this dirt bag, Congressman Weiner and what HE’s done.” I think individuals who find themselves in certain situations such as these….are truly hurting and if they didn’t feel like they had to hide a secret relationship in order to feel valued, then they wouldn’t! Be proactive about what you need in relationships. Tell your significant other when they hurt you or don’t provide your needs. You could be stopping an inevitable secret relationship from happening and really messing things up.

Otherwise it will be you on the podium, like Congressman Weiner…and that is not a place you want to be.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

It's May??

So, last I checked, May came before the month of June which marks that the year is HALF WAY OVER?!? I cannot even fathom this at the moment. First of all:

HELLOOO!!!! Thank you to all of you who have ‘stayed in touch’ during this time. I enjoy receiving your e-mails. I apologize for not posting more frequently. Details to come, but I feel bad some of you felt like you were left hanging, with no reason. I do hope to post much more frequently than the past several months, but honestly I’m not setting any expectations for myself.

So, where have I been? Well….the last month of my pregnancy really took a toll on me. I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy, but the last month I was slow, tired, and just physically worn out. Walking up the stairs in my house took about 2 minutes! I thought I’d share of photo of those good ol’ days.

Damien and I welcomed our beautiful baby into this world on Valentine’s Day! What a present, right?! What a miraculous journey this has been and we’re just getting started. Our bundle is now almost 3 months old and I’m started to feel ‘normal’ again. Damien and I actually just went on our first date last night in lieu of Mother’s Day.

Having a child has provoked so many thoughts, so many emotions. So much of this world is truly put into perspective by bringing another human being into it. And, of course, in light of what this blog is about – it’s really opened my eyes to how pornography in the home not only affects women, but mothers. An entirely new level is added, especially now that there is another life being affected. Maybe not being affected directly, but affected nonetheless. More to share about that later.

So, if you're reading and you've stuck with me this long, I'd love to hear by comment or e-mail (

If you have a child(ren), how did bringing those lives into this world change your perspective?

Also...I do have to mention something. I have received countless amounts of e-mails regarding dating sites using Dawson photos. As you probably know, most of these sites are full of scams with people asking for money for various reasons. I need to say that I, myself, have never put photos of Dawson on these sites. Any form of identification with a Dawson photo on it is fake. I am not in any danger and am not asking for any aid anywhere on the internet. Just needed to put that out there for those that need it...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


So, the other day a lady wrote into a radio station. Let's call her Sally. Sally had gotten pregnant for the second time and her boyfriend left her. She found herself desperate for money to survive. She had a discussion with her friend, who was dating a very wealthy man. This man already has grown kids of his own and is very established, but her friend was upset that he wasn't putting out more cash for her. So her friend got this great idea.

Here's the idea: "Sally, you hide in my bathroom and I'm going to tell my boyfriend that I'm taking a pregnancy test. You pee on the test so it comes out positive and I show it as proof to my boyfriend. Obviously, he doesn't want kids anymore so I'm going to justify in front of him that I'll get an abortion, but that I need money for it. He'll give me the money and I'll split it with you. Deal? "

"DEAL!" Sally says. And so it goes. This is what she did and it worked like a charm. So....NOW this has turned into a little side business for her. She now sells her "positively pregnant pee" on Craigslist for cash so that people can precisely do what her friend did. Get what they want from people. I'm not sure whether that's money, to prove a point, to get back at someone, or whatever they'd need 'pregnant' pee for, but apparently, lots of people do!

Sally was actually on the phone with the radio station and the question the personalities were posing to listeners was, "Is this ethical? Is it right or wrong?" I'm not going to focus on how all of the callers that called in were completely against her scheme, but I'd like to talk about what Sally was saying to the listeners.

When someone posed the question, "What do you think about what you're doing?" Her answer was along the lines of, "My conscious is clear. It's none of my business why these people want my pee. I can't be held responsible for what they do with it."

To that, one of the personalities responded with, "Well, couldn't that be the same mentality of a crack dealer? All I do is sell the drug, it's not my problem whether people buy it from me or use it."

What do you guys think? I mean, it's an easy justification to make. "Not my problem". I bring this up because........I don't believe one side can be completely blameless. For her to sit there with a clear conscious about the lives she's potentially messing with, to me, is denial. Why do I feel this way? Let me explain.

It was my choice to do a nude site. And it's your choice to look at porn. You are not responsible for me doing a nude site. And I am not responsible for you looking at porn. But here's the thing. If you do look at porn, and I'm who you're looking at - then at that moment, I am playing a part in your decision (because of my decision). Therefore, playing a part in your looking at pornography, your addiction to pornography, your justification for not being faithful to your wife, your reason for getting caught up in the first place, your reason for your next click or your next justification. Sure, it might not always be me - it might be someone else.....but for those that it was me, I feel responsible for that. Not 100% responsible, but responsible still. Do you get me?

Bottom line is I think many people these days are full of justification to get what they want and not enough of taking responsibility for their actions. But the reason why Sally wasn't saying "Yes, I can see how what I'm doing is wrong...but honestly I don't care because I need to feed my kids" is because to her, that would seem too cold and inhumane, which is probably why she's allowing herself to stew in justification. She would rather look better in her own eyes than admit the possibility that she's making a bad decision.

EVERYTHING could be everybody ELSES' fault.

"It's the advertisers fault."
"It's her father's fault."
"It's because of his profession."

We hardly ever hear....."It's my fault.....although there are factors that helped me make my decision, I am responsible for my own actions, regardless of how I justified to make them."

No one likes to look internally, especially when it has to do with a controversial decision. If you're willing to look internally, you must be willing to change. And who wants to do that? Justification is much easier.