A recent commenter had questions/assumptions about my relationship with Damien. Although going into complete detail about our relationship isn't necessary all at one time, I thought shedding a little light might help this particular commenter, and therefore, possibly you.
Damien and I were very much believing lies about love and were very much in denial for a long time. We loved each other and 'wanting nothing more than to be with each other'. We were okay with him being a part time daddy. We were okay with him breaking his promise to his wife. We were okay with the 'possible negative outcomes'. We were okay with how it would affect my family...after all...they had 'experience affairs before, they could get over it someday.' These were our justifications, our lies, our thoughts. As I look back on it now......how small was the distance our consequences could travel from our eyes.
After Damien was divorced and we were living together, we were in what I call, the 'in between stage'. We wanted to do better...tried to do better...and sometimes did, but also sometimes just did what we needed to 'stay happy'. I moved out before we got married and we stopped having sex, trying to do the 'right thing'. We sought marriage counseling from our Pastor, shot a nude website, you know, the norm. We lived a very broad spectrum for awhile as you can see.
Then we got married. Up until this moment we were pretty justified with our decisions. It was hard. Damien was having a very difficult time with the visitation with his children and we were still struggling with choices, no doubt about it. Then one evening, we watched Tristan and Isolde. A movie about a princess who falls in love with a man she 'shouldn't' because he's from another country. By chance they see each other again and start to have a love affair (all while she's now married to Tristan's King and best friend). They get caught and a war between the countries erupts. After Isolde explained the situation to the King, by the King's grace and understanding, he arranged a boat for them to leave together. One of the ending scenes is Isolde in the boat and Tristan looking back on his kingdom and family in flames. Tristan pushes the boat with Isolde inside, sending her down the river. He chose to go back and fight for his King.
This movie had a HUGE impact on Damien and I. Tristan chose his family and Damien got in the boat and ran away with me, as we left our families to burn. We sat and had a very long conversation and for the first time ever, truly realized how wrong we had been. Not for continuing our relationship, but for ever starting in the first place. We realized that if we could go back in time, we would choose to walk away. Now, if you put yourself in our shoes or back in your own shoes if you've ever fallen in love...you know how strong that feeling is. You know how you could probably never even imagine life without that other person. This was an extremely difficult realization to be honest about...to look at your spouse and basically agree that you wish you would have never pursued them.
This is when life really started to change for us. We went to the pastor that married us and we were at a loss because we didn't know what to do. We were married now, but yet we've had this realization. Do we get a divorce?? His advice to us was that even though Damien didn't honor his promises to his first marriage, it didn't give him permission or justification to do more 'wrongs'. He felt there was a reason for us not making this realization until after we were married and the we needed to honor what we committed to.
Our perspective totally changed and that was pretty much the turning point in our lives. From then on, when faced with a decision, our question to ourselves was "Which direction will glorify God the most?" It's amazing how much less stressful life is with this approach, go figure!!