A recent commenter had questions/assumptions about my relationship with Damien. Although going into complete detail about our relationship isn't necessary all at one time, I thought shedding a little light might help this particular commenter, and therefore, possibly you.
Damien and I were very much believing lies about love and were very much in denial for a long time. We loved each other and 'wanting nothing more than to be with each other'. We were okay with him being a part time daddy. We were okay with him breaking his promise to his wife. We were okay with the 'possible negative outcomes'. We were okay with how it would affect my family...after all...they had 'experience affairs before, they could get over it someday.' These were our justifications, our lies, our thoughts. As I look back on it now......how small was the distance our consequences could travel from our eyes.
After Damien was divorced and we were living together, we were in what I call, the 'in between stage'. We wanted to do better...tried to do better...and sometimes did, but also sometimes just did what we needed to 'stay happy'. I moved out before we got married and we stopped having sex, trying to do the 'right thing'. We sought marriage counseling from our Pastor, shot a nude website, you know, the norm. We lived a very broad spectrum for awhile as you can see.
Then we got married. Up until this moment we were pretty justified with our decisions. It was hard. Damien was having a very difficult time with the visitation with his children and we were still struggling with choices, no doubt about it. Then one evening, we watched Tristan and Isolde. A movie about a princess who falls in love with a man she 'shouldn't' because he's from another country. By chance they see each other again and start to have a love affair (all while she's now married to Tristan's King and best friend). They get caught and a war between the countries erupts. After Isolde explained the situation to the King, by the King's grace and understanding, he arranged a boat for them to leave together. One of the ending scenes is Isolde in the boat and Tristan looking back on his kingdom and family in flames. Tristan pushes the boat with Isolde inside, sending her down the river. He chose to go back and fight for his King.
This movie had a HUGE impact on Damien and I. Tristan chose his family and Damien got in the boat and ran away with me, as we left our families to burn. We sat and had a very long conversation and for the first time ever, truly realized how wrong we had been. Not for continuing our relationship, but for ever starting in the first place. We realized that if we could go back in time, we would choose to walk away. Now, if you put yourself in our shoes or back in your own shoes if you've ever fallen in love...you know how strong that feeling is. You know how you could probably never even imagine life without that other person. This was an extremely difficult realization to be honest about...to look at your spouse and basically agree that you wish you would have never pursued them.
This is when life really started to change for us. We went to the pastor that married us and we were at a loss because we didn't know what to do. We were married now, but yet we've had this realization. Do we get a divorce?? His advice to us was that even though Damien didn't honor his promises to his first marriage, it didn't give him permission or justification to do more 'wrongs'. He felt there was a reason for us not making this realization until after we were married and the we needed to honor what we committed to.
Our perspective totally changed and that was pretty much the turning point in our lives. From then on, when faced with a decision, our question to ourselves was "Which direction will glorify God the most?" It's amazing how much less stressful life is with this approach, go figure!!
4 comments:
Though I dare not pretend to even conceive half of what you have been through, I have what I believe to be a similar situation.
When I took my current job, Jamie and I did not really pray about it. My mother and late father both had big concerns regarding the job. My father who was also in management did not feel me ready to take on the challenges management brought with it. He said I should find a job that only requires 40 hours a week and no take home work, as my marriage was less than two years old. My mother of course yearned for me to stay near home due to a plethora of family situations.
During my tenure with this company, many things have happened from my father dying to my brother denouncing Christ and Christianity, to me mentioning the dreaded "D" word during a heated argument (something we vowed never to do) to my wife's parents filing for divorce after over 25 years of marriage. There is little to no doubt in either of our minds that taking this job was a mistake. I took this job because I was offered good money and because I was "the boss". I quickly found out that being the boss is a very time-consuming, lonely position with no co-workers or time to get involved in ministry. But, do I quit? After uprooting my family and leaving all my friends, do I just leave? I think not, I believe that I work through it, get the experience and learn the lessons that God is trying to teach me. This time Jamie and I will seek His will first, not his forgiveness last.
So, not the same I know, but felt it was somewhat of a segue to share. May Christ bless you and your husband richly.
dc
Hi Justine. I found your blog accidentally, and respect your courage to come forward with all the mess and try to allow God to make something positive from it. I can see how people would have criticisms -- perhaps some justified, others - not. But here's the bottom line for me -- coming from a man whose marriage and family has been ruined in a very large part due to pornography:
We cannot change our past. We can only accept it and learn from it. Our present is the only thing we control and we need to do our best to redeem the time and the opportunities we have and allow them to be used for God's glory.
Like you, I've made many decisions that I greatly regret. I fall into the trap of beating myself up over them often - especially when I see the consequences they have had on my two little children.
But also like you, I've been down into the pit to see how dark and lonely it is and that I need to seek the Light to live in His glory.
Thank you for your willingness to share and be open. May God bless you and your husband and may you seek Him and Him alone always.
Justine, first off, I can't even begin to imagine the "hell" the two of you have gone through. To even say I know how you were/are feeling would be an injustice.
As I was reading your comments above, my train of thought was heading in a particular direction. Then you wrote this:
... We went to the pastor that married us and we were at a loss because we didn't know what to do. We were married now, but yet we've had this realization. Do we get a divorce?? His advice to us was that even though Damien didn't honor his promises to his first marriage, it didn't give him permission or justification to do more 'wrongs'.
He felt there was a reason for us not making this realization until after we were married and the we needed to honor what we committed to.
Our perspective totally changed and that was pretty much the turning point in our lives. From then on, when faced with a decision, our question to ourselves was "Which direction will glorify God the most?" It's amazing how much less stressful life is with this approach, go figure!!"
This is in line with what I was thinking.
I don't know the spiritual state of either one of you before this incident. I will assume from what I've read so far that neither one of you had gotten to that place of a saving knowledge of Jesus and a live commitment to the Lord prior to this incident.
I just can't help but think that if God saw fit to preserve his marriage, He would have intervened earlier, Damien would have committed his life to God and the process of reconciling his marriage would have begun.
But it just didn't turn out that way.
I am neither condemning nor condoning what has taken place. These things happened prior to the two of you coming to the Lord. God has not given us the right to judge the hearts and minds of another, especially those outside the Body. Judgment is to begin with ourselves.
What I am getting at is, I believe destiny stepped in. I believe in a Sovereign God and I don't believe in chance or coincidences.
I believe the advice Pastor gave you was right. The two of you are under God's umbrella now and now is when the Biblical principles of a marriage commitment really count. You two are not living by the "standards" of the world anymore; you are now part of His Body of believers. You are now under a different, but much better set of rules. :-)
This mission you are now on is bigger than the both of you; it's God-sized. If just one person is helped and turned around, it is all for God's glory. Just a few hours ago, I posted this verse on my Forum:
Rom 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
May you always walk in His Light, for when you do, great things happen. Minds change, hearts change, wounds heal and all is well with the soul.
Read this; it is the lyrics and the story behind the lyrics to my favorite hymn.
http://www.hymns.net/stories/spafford.htm
I also pray that the light of Christ shines brightly through Damien and that his children come to know the Lord and forgive their daddy for his transgressions.
A little forgiveness goes a long way in healing wounds. Amen.
Vic
How to begin? I feel like God brought me to this point, as punishment, as a wake-up call. These beautiful images I have been infatuated with suddenly become a person. And this person is repentant, and wholesome, and good, and now I must deal with an overwhelming guilt. How do I move forward?
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