Sunday, March 29, 2009

Givin' It Up for the Right Reasons

Wow- OK- it's great to be able to sit and write finally! Not sure how great this post will be since I'm still in a whirlwind. Couple things....I added an email! yaay! If you view my profile, there is an "Email link" on the left side. I think this was an added necessity, however, if you have something to say about a post, please please post it as a comment. I do not want my email to become the avenue for comments, but as a means to contact me directly if there is a specific issue that cannot be addressed publicly. When necessary, please post what can be public as a comment and email me with any added personal information.  

Also, I've added a link on the right hand side of my blog, "Genesis Counseling". For those that have contacted me about additional help concerning struggling with pornography or sexual integrity, please save yourself from much heartache by visiting this site. The founder of Genesis Counseling, Joe Dallas, spoke at my college and his story affected me and my husband greatly. For me, Joe is one of the reasons why this blog exists. After speaking, he sat down with me in the lobby of his hotel after I asked if he would take the time, and along with Damien, I told him my story. The results of that conversation will no doubt last my lifetime. For my husband, it was his irrevocable step to being in control of his struggle with pornography. Along with his therapist, Damien went through the book The Game Plan and because of that, is where he is today. 

Alrighty! I wanted to talk about my struggle as a wife....a female. Let me back up. 
A strong foundation to marriage is so crucial. I know it's a little unrealistic but I believe every couple should go through marriage counseling before getting married. Okay, if the word counseling is your issue, then let's say major research into what you're doing from people who have done it well. Marriage isn't perfect, but it's possible to last forever believe it or not, therefore you should talk to people who seem to have it together. Damien and I did some counseling but nothing major or core deep the way it should have been. After we were married for about 2 years, we started going to a marriage counselor who also was a licensed sexologist. I can't even tell you how rewarding it was to go through that experience with my husband. Because of that time we invested (yes, it is an investment), we can conquer so many more things than we could before. 
So, the reason why I feel a strong foundation is so crucial, is because we're human! We make mistakes (even us wives! ;-P ) ...it's too easy to make mistakes. And when they happen, what is present in that marriage is the preparation or continued strength that was or has been built. If nothing was built, there will be nothing to hold those two human, imperfect individuals together. And it's not just mistakes! Sometimes it's just life...life happens and it seems we forget to be thoughtful....romantic....considerate....of each other. And even in those times, that built foundation will shine or it won't. Or how about something that inevitably happens probably in every marriage - the loss of sex drive. Ahh yes, now you can see where I've been trying to ramble with this. 
It's okay...I know...I know because I'm a woman...I know how much we make this subject so difficult for you men. From research and the obvious, sex is a man's #1 need. Not a want, a need. Also, from research and the obvious, sex is a woman's...well, want she wants it at all. Now, all women have different sex drives- some (I've witnessed) seem to need it as much as men and some (I've also witnessed) could live their entire lives without having sex ever again...some are in the middle. But one thing is for sure- it's emotional for us...it's psychological. If our house is a mess or we're pissed off because we missed a sale at Macy's or because the kids are driving us crazy or you are driving us crazy- most likely, it ain't happenin! Here's your justification men (I know some women won't agree with me) - it's not right. It shouldn't be that way. But...it is difficult nonetheless which is why we allow it to override any sexual desire. 
On your side...if the house is a mess or kids are driving you crazy - all you need or want is a little release and you'll be good to go!! Am I wrong? 
I'm partly talking about this because a comment came through talking about how this man and his wife allow pornography into their marriage and home because their sex life isn't frequent. The wife is understanding of her husband's needs and therefore complies with his actions. I would truly love to have a conversation with her and honestly want to know her opinions on that...how it affects her, etc. I know how it affected me when we were trying that path and would want to see how similar or different our experiences were. Because, you see, I do wonder...how much she justifies simply because of her husbands "needs". Is she so unwilling to have sex that she would rather her husband just please himself? If she is so comfortable with the situation...is it because their foundation is that strong or because it's that nonexistent? It just got me wondering!
I know when Damien and I would watch pornography together, it did open up doors of honesty. He felt he was able to be more honest with me because I was "okay" with the situation. It's one thing positive from the situation. But there were also more frequent slip up's and non-communication/dishonesty. Watching porn with me made him want to watch it more frequently than I wanted to. The images of the porn were in his head and you men know how hard it is to erase those images. You are visual creatures and those images are as vivid as if you watched it yesterday. Doesn't it make sense? The more one views porn and is used to the images, the more they'll want to continue seeing that? And how if one tries to stop looking at pornography, it's those images in their head that make it so difficult. 
Anyway...
I have struggled with lack of sex drive. Whether it be emotional, psychological, whatever, it just happens. But because of the foundation Damien and I have built over time, I know how important sex is. Not because he's selfish but because it actually is his nature. I have to understand that. I have to understand that I may be having a horrible week, but my vulnerable husband still has needs. When you love someone- you aren't supposed to expect the love reciprocated. Love is selfless. Now, obviously, not to be taken advantage of in negative ways...but it should not hold resentments for not "getting what it wants"- that is not love. Well, same thing goes for intimacy. There are no sexual "favors". Sexual intimacy is selfless as well with no grudges, no resentments, and no expectations. Again, this should not be taken advantage of either. But it kinda changes the perspective doesn't it? You could think of it as a gift...an action that you don't expect to be returned. When you give someone a gift, do you always expect them to get you one? That would be rude, wouldn't it? 
This perspective has always helped me when I'm struggling...to know that it's more than an act, it's more than just "giving him what he wants". It's love, a commitment I made when I married him, to do whatever I can as his wife to help take care of his needs and love him without expecting anything in return. And as love works it's course - it will most likely work that way in return because that's the beauty of love. The fact that it opens up the other person when it's realized that giving is better than receiving. 

And I know I know...we haven't had a newborn in the house yet, we don't have 3 kids and work like crazy and have this and that, and all those other excuses couples make! Uhh..yeah, I said it, excuses. From my perspective, I may be making an excuse to not having sex at the moment, but what I'm really making an excuse to is "just not feeling" like working or thinking of what will build a stronger sexual intimate relationship when it will really matter. 

Anyway, just my two cents on the topic. I'll let you know how we handle the whole 'newborn/kids' thing!

Monday, March 23, 2009

An Anonymous comment came and asked a lot of questions. Some of them I actually haven't answered directly so I thought I'd take the time to answer them in a post and answer them for any one else that might have the same questions.
BTW- the video not working is being taken care of. It should be back up in a couple of days. My apologies to those who can't view it.

1) What was the payment structure for the website? Did you get a flat fee, royalties, or both? If royalties, are you still receiving money from it, and if so, how do you reconcile that with your faith and/or principles? The payment for the all of the content needed for the launch was a flat compensation of $5000. After the launch, I would have continued to shoot more photos and post diaries, web cams, etc. This all would have been further compensated based upon hours of work. However, because I 'quit' soon after the initial shoot (over 15,000 photos and about 20 videos), I haven't made a penny since that $5000. That money was spent probably within a week or two after getting back due to our financial troubles.

You mentioned an interest in acting. Would you accept a role in a movie if offered? What if that role included an incidental nude/topless scene (a minor fraction of the whole movie)? Would you accept and do the scene, request a body double, or decline on a matter of principle?You mentioned looking for a job? Yes, I did have an interest in acting. That interest pretty much died with my interest of doing a nude website. Not really for an moral reasons but just because I think my perspective changed and acting didn't seem to be a driving force anymore. If I were offered a role today, I would probably decline just because my interest isn't there. But to answer your question, if the role had anything to do with nudity, I would decline on a matter of principle. The job I'm looking doesn't have anything to do with acting or modeling.

Is there/was there any concern that someone might offer you a job for the wrong reasons (for anything from "I hired Dawson Miller" bragging rights to partially satisfying some infatuation)?
Well...no, not really. It was more of a concern that someone wouldn't hire me because I was Dawson Miller. If I ever felt there was a hint of infatuation (I'm sure I'd feel it intuitively somewhere!), I probably wouldn't stay very long.

You mentioned that you do not want Damien to look at pornography. How do you feel about him looking at nude pictures of you, either from the Dawson Miller website or other personal pictures the two of you may share? What if you "caught" him looking at it to satisfy himself (presumably because it would be easier than to try to get you in the mood)? Are you ok with that, or would it be just as devastating? Interesting question...first, of course I don't want him to look but Damien himself is the one who doesn't want to look at pornography. At first this topic was tricky. I had to deal with a thought I had a hard time saying to myself....I have become what I hate about my husband...I have become what was such a horrific detail in his first marriage...I have become that 'woman' that allows men to cheat on their wives. You see, this all started with me just wanting to do some non-nude modeling...I never imagined it turning into what it did. It was a major struggle for both of us. Over time, our stance has come to this: Damien doesn't look at Dawson Miller photos. It's pornography just like the rest of it out there. If I did find out he had looked at Dawson Miller, I would react as if I found out he was looking at porn and take the same route. Pictures and videos a couple does in their own home is another story.

Have you considered forging your past and educational background via public speaking? Either as a motivational speaker or speaking on behalf of a cause, you have had some unique (or at least rare) experiences and lessons learned which are becoming increasing relevant in this modern, highly sexualized world. You may be able to use this blog of yours as a jumping off point for such an endeavor (although I don't know how you'd initiate that sort of thing...maybe write a book?)
The whole reason for this blog is exactly that! I knew God wanted me to share my story and I wasn't sure where to get started, either. A blog seemed like an viable answer. I love writing and interacting with others...I loved talking with the individuals that were finding me to tell me their stories. If they want help, I want to help them if I can. If they just have questions, I want to answer them. I do have plans for my future concerning my past...but I'm just waiting to see what happens. This is all so new to me! Whatever it is, I do hope it involves public speaking (I looove public speaking!) as well as writing a book - I think that would be just too cool! :)

A question from Kent: Do you categorize swimsuit or lingerie with softcore/nude? Here we are...back to that gray part of life! Here is my perspective. I mentioned in a previous blog that I realized that making someone 'stumble' (IE. be unfaithful to his wife by looking at porn, not be as good as a father/husband because I was distracting him somehow, not being able to focus on his own faith because of my actions, etc.) was the worst thing I could ever do to a person. To me, porn is porn, whether softcore or hardcore and it all causes men to be unfaithful to either their wives or themselves. I understand swimsuit or lingerie isn't 'porn' but I would consider it "non-nude modeling" because of the seducing and sexual poses. My bottom line is always this: Does it make men stumble? The answer is yes or no. Not "well some men..." or "well sometimes..." or "it depends...". Yes or no and I believe the answer is yes. Therefore, yes I categorize it in terms of the fact that one is not 'justifiable' over the other.

And what do you mean by "deceived in the past" exactly?
Deceived in the past....oh boy, I will try not to write a novel here! When a person starts to do something 'wrong'...it has to start somewhere. Very rarely would anyone just wake up and cheat on their spouse or commit a murder. There's a process. Let's take the cheating route since I've never murdered anyone. ;) It might start with just glances at another person. Then talking to them, then fantasizing about them, thinking about them. Some of these things might not be down right wrong. But the action might be leading to a destructive path. If one lets these 'non-offensive' actions go unaccounted for, there's room for deceit to take place. Lies. "It's only just a glance." "It's only just a thought." "It's only porn..it's not like I'm actually cheated on her". These lies may eventually become truth and eventually lead you down a path of more lies and more destruction. That's what I mean....there is a patch of my life that happened those few years ago that I kind of tie together in my own head because my actions all stemmed from the same little 'non-offensive' thoughts/actions. It snowballed into me having an affair and doing a nude website. But throughout the time....some things I truly did believe...I truly did feel I was doing the right thing - I deceived myself. We (Damien and I), deceived ourselves. I hope that answers your question :)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Willing to Grow


I decided the best way to respond to the recent comments was to just write a post. First let me say...thank you, thank you for being open to my words. Tears came to my eyes after reading some of the comments realizing the power of Jesus Christ. Whether you disagree with where I'm coming from, you aren't exactly 'sure' if you agree or not, or if you completely and utterly agree, I appreciate and respect every single one of you for giving yourself a chance of possibility to change.
I realize it's a tough subject and definitely NOT easy to be honest about. I've seen this first hand with my husband. During his first marriage, his porn viewing escalated to a secret life that, as you probably know, ended his marriage. Because I was part of that reason, I also saw the devastation it brought to his wife, even though I'm sure I didn't witness the worst of it. I also have witnessed his relationship with his children deteriorate because of his decisions. Right now, he and I see them every other weekend for 1.5 hours. When we were still being "deceived" by our thoughts, contemplating our relationship and our future, he convinced himself he would be okay with being an "every other the weekend Dad"....he never even THOUGHT it would come to this....you just never know the extent to which your consequences will take you.
I say all this because it's not like I am different. It's not like I'm the person who's going to "change" him into something different and he all of the sudden will not want to look at porn again. Many wives/girlfriends make the 'wrong' assumption that even though their partner has looked at porn since he was an adolescent, he's all of the sudden going to be able to be perfectly faithful and never look at it again!! I'm sorry girls, if you're reading this, it doesn't quite work that perfectly. These men have made a habit, and we all know how hard habits are to break, especially if they turn into addictions.
My husband was unfaithful to me by viewing pornography but one thing was different...he had seen what devastation his behavior had caused his family and actually wanted help. This is the first step. (By the way...if you're wondering or confused about how I could be okay with doing a pornographic website while my husband was trying to overcome his struggles....that's a whole other blog post!! Remind me to write about it if it doesn't come soon!) So...I did what any other fiance would do....I watched him like a hawk! I checked his bank accounts every day, e-mail, phone bills, cable bills, downloading sites, cookies, and at his request, I took the only computer we owned (laptop) out of the house every single time he was to be left home alone!!!! I was crazy fiance, woman trying to control her every fiance's move!!! So guess what happened when I found out he looked at porn? I was DEVASTATED! I cried and balled and screamed and gave him the silent treatment and wondering whhhhyyyyyy?????
Well, Damien still had some learning to do and by the way, it doesn't happen as soon as you'd EVER like it to. Even though he had taken the first step by accepting the fact that he wanted change, it was only the first step! A big mistake men and women partners make is they think it's the only step that needs to be taken. Bottom line: when you are used to looking at pornography and you like looking at pornography and you want to look at pornography, you have a much deeper issue than just deciding to stop. Ladies, no guilt trip is going to make him stop. nothing. "Don't you think about me and the kids while you're looking at that S*&T?!"....the answer is no and please don't be heartbroken by it. I know it's hard to understand but it's actually not personal, it's habitual...they have been practicing for years to block out the people that they care about when they're in that place. Anyway, I could address the ladies for hours but as far as I know, I have no female readers so for now ladies, pray pray PRAY for your significant other in this area!
I digress...I'm telling you about my husband because it truly does affect me to hear what you're all going through because I feel I can identify just by watching what my husband went through .....and guess what.....he still is. For those of you who are 'on for the ride' and didn't even know you were getting on one, please be patient with yourself and understand that I believe this is a life long struggle for some men. First of all, addressing those that have taken the first step to wanting change, get someone to hold yourself accountable. For the first year or so of our marriage that person was me, but I don't recommend that for most couples. If it's not your significant other, find a friend, a mentor, a pastor, a men's group that meets once a week, someone and reach out to them. They're not going to call you....call them....open up and be honest! But first...be honest with yourself. Second, once you have that person, install a program onto your computer. The best one I've found is Convenant Eyes, http://www.covenanteyes.com/. We have this installed on our computer. Why is this important? Your accountability person will be able to see what sites you visit. Try, if possible, to have someone view your reports that you almost feel uncomfortable giving it to. If that isn't enough, they also have a filtered version that actually filters certain sites that it will not allow you to even go to. This would be a good option if you do not have an accountability person yet.
Third and probably the hardest one...if you're married and your wife doesn't even know your looking at pornography....create a 'safe' environment for yourself and tell her. What's safe? Well, if you're wife isn't the type of person to yell and scream, I'd say you could probably tell her with just the two of you. If she's not, possibly have someone there that she'd be comfortable with or a counselor. But just know this...just because you have made "realizations" and are almost positive about your recent 'willingness to change'...don't forget that she might not be right on board and happy-go-lucky. She's most likely going to feel hurt and you need to let her feel that hurt, but do not, do not, do not, do not allow that to keep you from doing what you need to do to better yourself. You will become a better husband, a better father, and a better individual and she will thank you later for being courageous.
Now to those who aren't quite there yet and possibly not at all. I still want to hear your thoughts. I still want to know your opinions and I truly and honestly only ask that you're open to suggestions.
I'm reading that some readers are wrestling with whether looking at Dawson is a bad thing or not. Maybe you look and feel guilty or are feeling guilty just because you found my blog. I assume the hardest thing about it is the fact that you enjoy looking. So obviously, it's hard to be brutally honest about something you enjoy if it could potentially mean stopping that behavior. Well....it's okay to feel these things. It's okay to argue with yourself and healthily with others...that's how you grow. But...if you do slightly feel that pulling feeling...that nagging feeling that you're doing something you shouldn't be doing, don't ignore that. You are feeling that for a reason and once you've made a realization..it's not okay to keep making excuses for yourself because of enjoyment. I'm sorry...I know you don't want to acknowledge that...I know it sucks...but I promise the outcome is worth it.
Thank you again for all of your comments and for continuing to come back to read my blog.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A Gray Part Of Life

After starting this blog, I have felt a sense of peace about it. As I mentioned in my first post, I have known for some time now that God was going to use what I've done in my past to influence others...I just didn't know when or how. I've been getting suggesstions from readers about things that may make the blog better and I'm taking them all into consideration...all comments and suggesstions welcome!

One thing that seems to be coming up from readers is the fact that they understand my stance and respect my decision to stop doing the nude website, however, they don't feel that posing nude is "pornography" or that a nude website is hardly anything to be ashamed of at all. They often say, "it's not like it's hard-core or anything!". I too, respect this stance even though I disagree. I have to respect it because I cannot judge the background of lifestyle they've been brought up in whatever that may be. So here's my problem with the whole thing....when exactly it is considered wrong? Where is the line? For these people, how far would I have had to go in order to make me stop doing pornography acceptable? I'm sure....no, I know there's individuals out there that think even hard-core pornography is completely acceptable in today's world---so who's wrong and who's right?! I understand where people are coming from that think my website was nothing harmful because...well, I'm the one who rationalized doing it in the first place.

I wanted to be an actress when I was younger. As a teen, I took acting and modeling classes, was in an agency, and mostly did commercials and indie films. Before doing the site, I had already taken off my top in one of these films. I had already begun to flirt with these grayness of right or wrong. As I said in the documentary, the thought of doing a non-nude or nude website wasn't exactly out here in left field in my mind...it was a consideration...a thought. I convinced myself enough to the point where I justified it.

So why do I think it's wrong now? Well....I've learned a lot. I've learned that my body is more precious than I thought it was. That was a new discovery because as little girls are being even more affected today, I was taught from a very young age by movies and such that a woman's body wasn't anything amazing or miraculous that should only be shared with one person. I learned that Jesus Christ meant more for my life. I cheated Him for a short time by not believing and trusting that He would take care of me and my problems.

The main reason for doing the website was financial....we were going to be evicted and had many more bills that had to be paid...my social security checks (from my father's death) were done...there were no options. Shortly after I got home from doing the website, a social security check unexpectedly showed up that I was supposedly "owed" from some circumstance...I don't remember what it was. But it just SHOWED UP..........if I would've known it was coming, if I would've just trusted God, this blog wouldn't exist. One of the biggest things that impacted me was that I learned that making another person "stumble" was one of the worst things I could ever do to a person. I didn't see it that way at first- I saw it as a way to pay my bills. That's all, right? A way to make ME okay, a way to take care of MY family, a way for MY happiness....isn't that the only justification the WORLD is teaching us we need to make decisions?? ME, ME, ME, ME!! We need to stop making up our own truth's and focus on the facts of life. The people of the world have made up a truth..."pornography is okay and acceptable by modern society". Yet the fact is ever since it came into existence it has negatively affected the lives of viewers and performers, marriages, the way men view women, the way men and women treat their spouses, the way men and women view their own bodies, and sexual integrity as a whole. Well, when you think of it like that, it seems a big price to pay for a short time of selfish pleasure....

But what about you? What about the guy that is more faithful about visiting Dawson Miller's site than he is to his wife? What about my own husband....who has struggled with sexual integrity most of his life...who left his wife and kids because he stumbled for me? The problem with selfish decisions is there is a chain reaction whether we think about it or not. So what does measly pornography have to do with any of this, something so "accepted" by today's society? Well, do you think it's acceptable? You could answer that it doesn't "hurt" anything or anyone. From your experience maybe it hasn't yet....but from another person's experience, it wrecked their job, their marriage, and their relationship with others. Is it acceptable because it's purpose is to make you feel good? Would it still make you feel good if you knew the girl on the other side wished she didn't have to be pleasing you, wished she was worth more in life, hated the fact that she is possibly drugged up to get through the experience, or is in pain due to the rashes on her body from changing into so many sets of clothing?


........And then it occured to me.......hmmm.......maybe this is the reason why God tries to protect me from this? Maybe this is the reason why the Bible says nudity is meant for your husband and no one else? And...it says nudity...not everything except your breasts...not just sex...nudity.


Reader.....I can only say these things because I've seen what God has done and shown in my life through my specific experiences...and therefore, I have an influence that someone who hasn't gone through what I have doesn't. They have they're own different and unique influences. I hope that you can read with an open mind and open heart and respect what I have to say.



So who's not coming back to my blog anymore?! Why? Are you threatened? Do you not agree with me? Write me if you don't! Do I sound passionate? It's because I am. I am challenged by the gray areas of life that are confusing and easy to justify to be talked about and brought to light.

There's a poll on this blog that I encourage you to participate in. I think pornography and it's affects are a fascinating subject to learn about and I am asking you be a part of this little study of mine. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading...and I hope you come back. :)