Also, I've added a link on the right hand side of my blog, "Genesis Counseling". For those that have contacted me about additional help concerning struggling with pornography or sexual integrity, please save yourself from much heartache by visiting this site. The founder of Genesis Counseling, Joe Dallas, spoke at my college and his story affected me and my husband greatly. For me, Joe is one of the reasons why this blog exists. After speaking, he sat down with me in the lobby of his hotel after I asked if he would take the time, and along with Damien, I told him my story. The results of that conversation will no doubt last my lifetime. For my husband, it was his irrevocable step to being in control of his struggle with pornography. Along with his therapist, Damien went through the book The Game Plan and because of that, is where he is today.
Alrighty! I wanted to talk about my struggle as a wife....a female. Let me back up.
A strong foundation to marriage is so crucial. I know it's a little unrealistic but I believe every couple should go through marriage counseling before getting married. Okay, if the word counseling is your issue, then let's say major research into what you're doing from people who have done it well. Marriage isn't perfect, but it's possible to last forever believe it or not, therefore you should talk to people who seem to have it together. Damien and I did some counseling but nothing major or core deep the way it should have been. After we were married for about 2 years, we started going to a marriage counselor who also was a licensed sexologist. I can't even tell you how rewarding it was to go through that experience with my husband. Because of that time we invested (yes, it is an investment), we can conquer so many more things than we could before.
So, the reason why I feel a strong foundation is so crucial, is because we're human! We make mistakes (even us wives! ;-P ) ...it's too easy to make mistakes. And when they happen, what is present in that marriage is the preparation or continued strength that was or has been built. If nothing was built, there will be nothing to hold those two human, imperfect individuals together. And it's not just mistakes! Sometimes it's just life...life happens and it seems we forget to be thoughtful....romantic....considerate....of each other. And even in those times, that built foundation will shine or it won't. Or how about something that inevitably happens probably in every marriage - the loss of sex drive. Ahh yes, now you can see where I've been trying to ramble with this.
It's okay...I know...I know because I'm a woman...I know how much we make this subject so difficult for you men. From research and the obvious, sex is a man's #1 need. Not a want, a need. Also, from research and the obvious, sex is a woman's...well, want she wants it at all. Now, all women have different sex drives- some (I've witnessed) seem to need it as much as men and some (I've also witnessed) could live their entire lives without having sex ever again...some are in the middle. But one thing is for sure- it's emotional for us...it's psychological. If our house is a mess or we're pissed off because we missed a sale at Macy's or because the kids are driving us crazy or you are driving us crazy- most likely, it ain't happenin! Here's your justification men (I know some women won't agree with me) - it's not right. It shouldn't be that way. But...it is difficult nonetheless which is why we allow it to override any sexual desire.
On your side...if the house is a mess or kids are driving you crazy - all you need or want is a little release and you'll be good to go!! Am I wrong?
I'm partly talking about this because a comment came through talking about how this man and his wife allow pornography into their marriage and home because their sex life isn't frequent. The wife is understanding of her husband's needs and therefore complies with his actions. I would truly love to have a conversation with her and honestly want to know her opinions on that...how it affects her, etc. I know how it affected me when we were trying that path and would want to see how similar or different our experiences were. Because, you see, I do wonder...how much she justifies simply because of her husbands "needs". Is she so unwilling to have sex that she would rather her husband just please himself? If she is so comfortable with the situation...is it because their foundation is that strong or because it's that nonexistent? It just got me wondering!
I know when Damien and I would watch pornography together, it did open up doors of honesty. He felt he was able to be more honest with me because I was "okay" with the situation. It's one thing positive from the situation. But there were also more frequent slip up's and non-communication/dishonesty. Watching porn with me made him want to watch it more frequently than I wanted to. The images of the porn were in his head and you men know how hard it is to erase those images. You are visual creatures and those images are as vivid as if you watched it yesterday. Doesn't it make sense? The more one views porn and is used to the images, the more they'll want to continue seeing that? And how if one tries to stop looking at pornography, it's those images in their head that make it so difficult.
Anyway...
I have struggled with lack of sex drive. Whether it be emotional, psychological, whatever, it just happens. But because of the foundation Damien and I have built over time, I know how important sex is. Not because he's selfish but because it actually is his nature. I have to understand that. I have to understand that I may be having a horrible week, but my vulnerable husband still has needs. When you love someone- you aren't supposed to expect the love reciprocated. Love is selfless. Now, obviously, not to be taken advantage of in negative ways...but it should not hold resentments for not "getting what it wants"- that is not love. Well, same thing goes for intimacy. There are no sexual "favors". Sexual intimacy is selfless as well with no grudges, no resentments, and no expectations. Again, this should not be taken advantage of either. But it kinda changes the perspective doesn't it? You could think of it as a gift...an action that you don't expect to be returned. When you give someone a gift, do you always expect them to get you one? That would be rude, wouldn't it?
This perspective has always helped me when I'm struggling...to know that it's more than an act, it's more than just "giving him what he wants". It's love, a commitment I made when I married him, to do whatever I can as his wife to help take care of his needs and love him without expecting anything in return. And as love works it's course - it will most likely work that way in return because that's the beauty of love. The fact that it opens up the other person when it's realized that giving is better than receiving.
And I know I know...we haven't had a newborn in the house yet, we don't have 3 kids and work like crazy and have this and that, and all those other excuses couples make! Uhh..yeah, I said it, excuses. From my perspective, I may be making an excuse to not having sex at the moment, but what I'm really making an excuse to is "just not feeling" like working or thinking of what will build a stronger sexual intimate relationship when it will really matter.
Anyway, just my two cents on the topic. I'll let you know how we handle the whole 'newborn/kids' thing!


