Making Peace

It's been a priveledge to watch God work lately...especially in the past 3-6 months. Up until just recently, it's not that I've been hiding from my past, but I was open in very controlled environments. I've been at a weary "inbetween stage", as I'd call it, because I have been slowly but surely embracing by past in the appropriate steps. As I said in my very first blog post, I knew years ago that God wanted me to use my past eventually...but I felt I had to be prepared or be somebody in order to do that.

Any new people that came into my life didn't know about the website at first, but if I ever felt the friendship was growing and knew I was going to be around any particular person regularly, it was time to have "the dicussion!!!" dun, Dun, DUN!!!! This is when I (or Damien and I) would sit down with that person and tell them everything. Now...I don't believe just to be friends with anyone, one MUST share all their deep dark secrets...but because we know we want to use our past and because I don't really feel anyone can really know me or what I'm passionate about in life, I feel it's necessary for us. A recent comment talked about how it's a shame I am at "war" with my past. To me, being at war with my past would be pretty much ignoring it, trying to move on with my life, and praying to God that no one would ever find out ever again!!! I don't want to do that and I don't feel like talking about my experiences over a blog is in any way ridiculous. I want to embrace my past. Past experiences shape a person and one day, my goal is for my past to be completely imbodied with who I am as a person...an acceptance, not a "regret" or a "secret" to keep running from.

Anyway, to my point. I do apologize for the agony I must put you through until I make it to my points!!

That goal is closer than it was a year ago. My past is finally just becoming "who I am" and "the discussion" that I normally have to sit people down for isn't necessary anymore. I love that. I love that people know 100% of who I am (who we are) and it enhances our relationship instead of strains it.

So this all leads to the "different" type of people I'm meeting these days on my wonderful journey! Now, I'm starting to meet more men who struggle with pornography, those that see nothing wrong with it, and also the wives/girlfriends that pornography is affecting. I feel so blessed by these relationships. We all truly learn from one another.

One thing that I am noticing and really praying about is the misconceptions the women being affected have about pornography. There's many of them, but the one I want to disucss today is their approach when confronting their man about looking at pornography. I feel this point in this situation is crucial. I'm sure every case is different, but the pattern is the wife/girlfriend FREAKING out, acting out of emotion, confronting with no plan in place, and usually shooting any possibility of a decent conversation in the foot. I empathize and understand just how devastating it can be to find your man being unfaithful, especially if you're finding out for the first time and there is probably large amounts of evidence. But I do wonder if somehow, someway, this behavior can be modified to be more conducive for a healthier relationship.

One suggesstion I heard a while ago, which I felt was the best yet, was if pornography was actually found somewhere, that the wife/girlfriend should simply say, "I found pornography on the computer"....and just wait for a response. This way, she's not automatically accusing him which would put him on the defensive, and it's giving him a very fair chance at explaining himself.

I'd really like to hear from all of you reading. Whether you struggle with looking a porn or if you view it with no guilty conscious. If you were "caught", what would be the best way for you to be approached by your woman? Keep in mind, the goal is to have a conversation, not a screaming match, which does take two. But how would her approach have to be in order for you to feel the least threatended, the least defensive, etc. This would really benefit me as I am meeting more and more woman struggling with this. I appreciate you and your honesty.

Look where reminiscing takes you...

Oh geeze....life, life, life. Well, the reason I haven't posted is because this week has been a week from the circus!! Well first off, I got a full time job - yay!! Nothing fancy, just something to help us pay the bills. The problem is, I made my schedule for this week before I got the job- so every day has been chaos from 7am till about 10 pm every single night. That can get pretty exhausting!!

In other news, we had a wonderful Easter with the family. I usually cook a big ol' ham with some special sauce and some other goodies but for some strange reason, I just didn't feel like it this year! So my sister and I decided we'd bring back our mom's old tradition and go to the beach - made some ham sandwiches and were good to go! It was neat going to the beach we went to because even though I've lived only about 15 minutes away from it for about 6 years, I've never gone there even though we used to vacation there all the time! Every single year, we would go to the same beach. It brought back many memories. There are still these amazing rocks there that we would take pictures on - YEARS ago! We would also visit this "seashell store", as we would call it in our young age, that had endless amounts of different kinds of shells and little Floridian nick-knacks. So on Easter, since we were in the reminiscing mood, we decided to go there as well. Again, a store from my childhood only 15 minutes away and I hadn't been there since before I moved to Florida.

Nothing changed. Nothing was different. Same shelving, same little nick-knacks, and probably the same types of shells in the very same categorized shelves they were on before. It was incredibly......weird, but amazing at the same time. And it really made me think about my mom. I miss her a lot. In middle and high school, my mom and I grew very close. I recall saying many times that I would have rather hung out with her than any of my friends. And it was true. We shared a connection that I know is extremely rare between mother and daughters, especially at the age I was. We connected on every level, especially spiritually.

Well, naturally...when she found out I was in a relationship with my former teacher who was leaving his wife and kids for me...she kinda flipped. She felt betrayed, in denial, astonished, furious, and also abandoned...she did things to herself I never thought she'd do, said things I never wanted to hear from my mother, and thus we began our departure from each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

After some time, things barely got any better. Damien's existence was rarely ever mentioned and it seemed whenever when we spoke, it was either very superficial or another deep debate about my life decisions. I missed her tremendously. And even though I knew Damien and I were at fault for every problem my relationship with her was facing, I couldn't help but feel angry with her at times. She took on a very guarded, defensive, and almost like a numb quality with me. She acknowledged this behavior and told me it was because she had 'forgiven me'. (Her definition of forgiveness is very different from my own.) Justified or not, I was angry with her for her seemingly being comfortable with our new arrangement for the rest of our lives. I wanted to reconcile our relationship, but I feel that relationships cannot be reconciled if there are still things from the past that need to be worked through. I understand it can be an on-going thing especially if it's something as devastating as our situation, however, it does need to be talked about at some point and worked on somehow. I'm not going to live my life, have babies, celebrate holidays, and grow old completely ignoring a major dent in our relationship....I just personally feel that would be a 'fake' relationship.

In 2006, my mother, step-dad, and little sister moved to another state and I talked to my mom, maybe once a month. There were definitely things I'd wished she'd been more involved in, especially when I was in college. Then, of course, the infamous nude website debuted!

---------any and all chance or reason for any reconciliation was completely lost. What was in my mother's head she thought she knew for certain: My husband was a sex addict. I was a victim of that addiction. And he is the one and only reason for me deciding to become a porn star as my career.

(Keep in mind, by this time, I had already quit doing the website over a year prior)

Sooo...needless to say, things felt pretty helpless between us and just got worse. Any progress that might have been made now took 1000 steps backwards. For the next several months, I could barely stand to speak to my mom because of her disbelief in my story. She, like every one else, refused to believe I wasn't participating in the website due to the content looking 'present day'. I didn't blame her of course. I was just frustrated by my own actions.

...The thing that was probably the most difficult was the fact that God had done so much work in me by that time. I had grown so much. And to outsiders, all that growth had no credibility (which is why, by the way, your self-worth is in Christ and not in people). My mom visited Dawson's site every single day because "it was the reality of my life".......this was one point I did exhaust the energy to argue with her on.....to no avail. It was all quite heartbreaking....for us to have once been so close to not knowing each other at all. She had no clue who I was - or am today for that matter.

I did visit my mom almost a year ago because I went to a conference where she lived. I think it helped. I think she saw that I was somehow different- and actually doing 'okay'. I probably looked different to her, too. I had cut my hair, went back to my original color, and my wardrobe had matured. It was good for her to see me....to see I wasn't just living my life completely ignoring this awful offense Damien and I committed. Even though we never talked about my life while I was there, of course, I believe it shined through - that's what having Christ in the center of your life does, after all.

Since that visit, my mom has actually physically said Damien's name and acknowledged that we're married!! WOW! We've come a long way :)

I must confess that I feel impatient at times. Sometimes I feel like when I betrayed her trust, she just decided to stop being my mom...like the hurt was too much for her to really feel that reality of motherhood- which is where the 'numbness' probably came from. I confess that I resent her for that at times. But I do know and pray continually that it's all in God's timing...and He's working whether I can physically see it or not. I know that I cannot expect anything from her or the rest of my family - I just have to keep doing what I know is right.

So here's is how I view the status of my relationship with my mother today.

I love her dearly and I always will regardless if she ever accepts Damien into our family. I do not feel emotionally or spiritually connected to my mom in any way, shape, or form. We speak once a month, if that. I truly and honestly feel like a orphan with adopted parents along the way. I want more than anything to gain back the respect that I've lost for her and want a relationship with her. However, I feel we can only grow so much without acknowledging what's hurt us both and accepting the reality of today. I struggle with the relationship I will allow her to have with her grandchildren. I wonder if she'll even want a relationship with her grandchildren. I feel so guilty and hurt for the loss of her in my life. And even though I didn't do things right before, it doesn't give me permission to excuse myself from doing things right now.....and now....I must respect the man I'm married to and put him before anything else, aside from God. My mother must respect that if we are to move on. That's the one thing I'm unwilling to compromise.

Octo Question

I'm not big on gossip. I think it's a horrible thing and especially since I was the target of so much gossip before...

However, when it came up that the "Octo-Mom" (Nadya) was possibly accepting $1M from a major porn company to do a porn video, I couldn't help myself wanting to know what her answer was going to be.

The company offered her $1M plus health insurance for her and her 14 children. The scrutiny about this mother and the way she raises her kids is unbelievable!! I don't know enough of the story to really share my opinion but I can't help but just feel exhausted for the girl regardless!

At first, it seemed as if Nadya was going to justify doing the porn. She mentioned she used to be an exotic dancer and was fairly comfortable with being in front of cameras. She also said she would only be comfortable with taking her top off and nothing more.

This is when it really hit home for me. I was right there...a little less public! But nonetheless, I was at the point where I was justifying...."I think I'll feel comfortable just doing non-nude to help me financially....I've taken sexy photos before...I've taken my top off for acting, how is modeling any different?" And I can just see how it might have ended up for her.....she justifies shooting....flies to Cali or where ever and is set on just taking her top off. And then they say...."Oh, Nadya, by the way, if you do this naked, we'll give you $1.5M". And before we know it, the mother of 14 already about to lose her kids to the state, has a hard core porno being advertised and talked about on every street corner!

A competing porn company saw the future devastation and counter-offered. They offered Nadya 1 year worth of diapers for her to refuse the other offer. They said there is so much attached to being a "porn star" and didn't feel that was in the best interest for her children. (I just love how the porn company is the one speaking on behalf of the children's interest!!)

So it all just turned out to be a big hype. Nadya, THANK THE LORD, turned the offer down (not sure if she accepted the counter offer) and says she's going to frame the letter and hang it in her kids nursery! Lovely!

Could any of you see yourselves (or your wives or a mother that you know) actually justifying doing something that one would usually see as completely immoral if you were desperate enough? What would bring you to that point?

Glamorous

This is a small part of the original documentary I wanted to share with you all :)