It's been a priveledge to watch God work lately...especially in the past 3-6 months. Up until just recently, it's not that I've been hiding from my past, but I was open in very controlled environments. I've been at a weary "inbetween stage", as I'd call it, because I have been slowly but surely embracing by past in the appropriate steps. As I said in my very first blog post, I knew years ago that God wanted me to use my past eventually...but I felt I had to be prepared or be somebody in order to do that.
Any new people that came into my life didn't know about the website at first, but if I ever felt the friendship was growing and knew I was going to be around any particular person regularly, it was time to have "the dicussion!!!" dun, Dun, DUN!!!! This is when I (or Damien and I) would sit down with that person and tell them everything. Now...I don't believe just to be friends with anyone, one MUST share all their deep dark secrets...but because we know we want to use our past and because I don't really feel anyone can really know me or what I'm passionate about in life, I feel it's necessary for us. A recent comment talked about how it's a shame I am at "war" with my past. To me, being at war with my past would be pretty much ignoring it, trying to move on with my life, and praying to God that no one would ever find out ever again!!! I don't want to do that and I don't feel like talking about my experiences over a blog is in any way ridiculous. I want to embrace my past. Past experiences shape a person and one day, my goal is for my past to be completely imbodied with who I am as a person...an acceptance, not a "regret" or a "secret" to keep running from.
Anyway, to my point. I do apologize for the agony I must put you through until I make it to my points!!
That goal is closer than it was a year ago. My past is finally just becoming "who I am" and "the discussion" that I normally have to sit people down for isn't necessary anymore. I love that. I love that people know 100% of who I am (who we are) and it enhances our relationship instead of strains it.
So this all leads to the "different" type of people I'm meeting these days on my wonderful journey! Now, I'm starting to meet more men who struggle with pornography, those that see nothing wrong with it, and also the wives/girlfriends that pornography is affecting. I feel so blessed by these relationships. We all truly learn from one another.
One thing that I am noticing and really praying about is the misconceptions the women being affected have about pornography. There's many of them, but the one I want to disucss today is their approach when confronting their man about looking at pornography. I feel this point in this situation is crucial. I'm sure every case is different, but the pattern is the wife/girlfriend FREAKING out, acting out of emotion, confronting with no plan in place, and usually shooting any possibility of a decent conversation in the foot. I empathize and understand just how devastating it can be to find your man being unfaithful, especially if you're finding out for the first time and there is probably large amounts of evidence. But I do wonder if somehow, someway, this behavior can be modified to be more conducive for a healthier relationship.
One suggesstion I heard a while ago, which I felt was the best yet, was if pornography was actually found somewhere, that the wife/girlfriend should simply say, "I found pornography on the computer"....and just wait for a response. This way, she's not automatically accusing him which would put him on the defensive, and it's giving him a very fair chance at explaining himself.
I'd really like to hear from all of you reading. Whether you struggle with looking a porn or if you view it with no guilty conscious. If you were "caught", what would be the best way for you to be approached by your woman? Keep in mind, the goal is to have a conversation, not a screaming match, which does take two. But how would her approach have to be in order for you to feel the least threatended, the least defensive, etc. This would really benefit me as I am meeting more and more woman struggling with this. I appreciate you and your honesty.