I’d like to thank you all for you recent comments and e-mails. It’s my pleasure to get to know all of you and provide you with any input that I have. Also, thank you SO MUCH for the encouragement. I think it’s funny sometimes how there’s still people talking smack about me on all the porn forums, yet they won’t talk to me here, to my face. But then I remember who I’m really doing this for – and it’s for those who are willing to listen, and hopefully willing to change.

I received an e-mail with a comment to my “Making Peace” post but his response was too long to be posted. I think his perspective as to what he is going through is too valuable to not share it, so I’m dedicating a post to it. I think I may do what I did before and interject my own thoughts in a different font color. Enjoy with an open heart!



I guess I am unique or in denial as I do not feel that viewing porn is cheating on my wife. I do know that she feels it is. I would not feel cheated on if she went to a male review show or viewed porn. I have also gone to strip clubs…but, never had a lap dance as I fell that would be cheating. I have told her at times to not believe that denying a man sex is keeping him from getting his needs met. When she rejects me, I tell her not to be surprised that I’ll go elsewhere for attention or gratification. She thinks I’m referring to another women, and she knows I would not do that. She expects me to be happy if she pleasures me a couple times a week with no intercourse or foreplay with her. She thinks lingerie is a waste of time because it doesn’t stay on for long.

Well! Jeff, the little bit that I have heard of your story is very intriguing to me. I feel that your relationship represents a majority of what marriages are going through and I thank you for sharing in such detail.

When you are lusting at another woman whether in real life or through a computer screen, most likely you are visualizing her naked, staring too long at her ‘features’, possibly if she’s a friend, imagining what a relationship with her would be like. When it’s porn, you’re doing much of the same thing, but it’s taken a step further. You’re visualizing having sex with her, thinking about what it would feel like, seeing her as a sexual act and not really as a human being since you don’t even know her. Men are visual. These visions are strong and they will stick with you. If you look at porn, you will, sooner or later, compare your partner to the visions burned in your head. All of these things are very, very dangerous for many different reasons. But the reason I’m bringing up, because you did, is the fact that whether you’re entertaining the thought of someone being naked or you’re actually seeing her naked and pleasuring yourself to her, you’re being unfaithful to your partner. My question to you, is how it that not cheating? No, you’re not physically with the person, but you are mentally, which in my opinion, is worse or the same thing. Jeff, think of your addiction to porn….now think if your wife were addicted to something similar. Male porn or male strip clubs but yet she never touched anyone physically. You wouldn’t feel like your feelings didn’t matter, that you didn’t matter? That you were somehow not measuring up to something since she had to go look somewhere else for it? To you, her mind is obviously with these other men, not you….you wouldn’t feel she’s being unfaithful? Unfaithfulness = cheating.

When caught or discovered, I would want my wife to calmly ask why I feel a need to view porn and if there is anything that she might do to help distract me from the immorality. I would not expect her to do any of the demeaning or degrading acts seen in that industry, or to view porn together. I would simply like her to be more romantic in wearing lingerie or sexy clothes instead of boring pajamas. (Even Dr. Laura tells wives to do this) I would ask her to allow me to touch her in erotic ways as she does me. I would ask her if we can have sex two nights in a row since it was so great last night instead of going 2 or 3 weeks before the next time. I would ask her to change positions and try to find different positions that are comfortable. I would ask her to be naked inside the covers when I come to bed once in a while. I would ask her to not complain if I want to take a shower with her. I would ask her to trim her pubic area so she doesn’t have hair out to her legs. I would ask if sometimes we can just have sex without long discussions first. I would ask if she could dance and do a striptease in front of me. I would like her to be more receptive in the middle of the night even though she is tired, more time is spent resisting then if we just made love. I would ask if she could arouse me when we are in the car or at the movies just to let me know she wants me later on. I would like her to go braless or w/o panties to a not so public place and flash me when nobody is looking. I would like us to go skinny dipping alone or sunbath nude on a secluded beach. I would like to take sexy outdoor photos of her, even if we delete them. I would ask her to let me stare at her nude body or hold her in front of the mirror because I think she is so sexy and beautiful, and that there is nothing wrong with her breast or butt. I would like to see her touch herself when we are making love. I would tell her that just because I want to hold her breast doesn’t mean I need to go all the way, maybe I can just fall asleep cuddling? I would ask if one time after having sex we can just sleep in the nude instead of her getting dressed so soon. Note, these could be spread out over an entire year or two and not need to take place in one month.

It does seem to me (from what you’ve told me) that your wife is making excuses not to make love, but that she’s also very insecure about something. With unhealthy communication, this insecurity can get lost and turn into a blanket excuse in every way imaginable not to be intimate. This is where a great counselor comes into play. She may not be into doing a striptease for you. Well, is that because she’s insecure or uncomfortable or does she just plain not want to? Even after working on your sexual relationship, there still may be things she’s not into and you’ll need to respect that. But she also needs to respect you. Going back to your first paragraph a bit…women are not supposed to withhold from their husbands out of manipulation. Sex is a gift and to be treated as such. You give it expecting nothing in return. This is a difficult perspective and took me months to adopt and even now, I have a hard time keeping it in the forefront of my mind. Men need to focus on the fact that you can’t expect it and women need to focus on the fact that they need to give freely. This is very difficult when there’s been years built up of what I call ‘preconceived notions’ on both sides. Those take many months of communication and possibly counseling to break down and work on.

I suppose these comments will make most women furious and label me as being very selfish. I’m just trying to covey what I feel is lacking and creates a void to view porn, this then creates an awful cycle of depression and frustration. Maybe I’m different due to early exposure to porn and being a virgin groom at the age of 24 yrs because of religious values, but I do believe that I have a stronger libido than most men. Christian men are always being told to avoid pornography, but Christian women don’t seem to be told to not neglect their husbands and to remember their needs also- during our crazy, hectic lives. She tells me that I should be happy with what I have and what I get and I should be happy and lucky to have such a beautiful, sexy wife. The irony is that I tell her sometimes I wish she wasn’t so sexy and beautiful so that I would not be so desirous to be with her intimately. I will also admit that men are fat pigs and big babies who always cry when they don’t get what they want. Women, please don’t think that boycotting your husband from sex is teaching him some sort of lesson…men will find another way. Please do not blame yourselves if you find your husband viewing porn and do not freak out over it, talk it out in a loving, caring way with open communication, compromise and forgive. And finally, because you deserve more too…tell your husband what commitments or changes you would like him to make.

Jeff

I love some of your points on this. Boycotting a husband’s sexual desire communicates nothing of value and talking about something so fragile in a loving way is always the best way. Jeff, I humbly suggest that you’re missing something pretty major. Throughout these paragraphs, I have sensed an ‘entitlement’ factor in you. An “I deserve it” attitude. You see…although I 100% agree sex is a need for men, that need is not your excuse to ‘get what you need’ regardless of what it is. This is something I have found so profound and ironic when I think of how God created men (and women, but definitely more prominent in men). He created you with this very great, almost ravenous need for sexual pleasure, yet requires restrictions on how that need is met. The Bible communicates that this is for your protection. You were a 24 yr old virgin when you got married. You see this as putting a void in your life because you didn’t get to experience more, yet I envy your position!! To only have the baggage of a struggle with pornography and not the baggage of how each and every different partner affected you and the person you are. When I get to know people who have had multiple partners, it just about terrifies me when I think about what their future spouse is going to go through because of that – mostly psychological stuff.

This is exactly why total reliance on God is essential in overcoming an addiction to porn or any addiction/problem/struggle for that matter! Think of the man you would be and the discipline you would acquire if every time you wanted to look at porn, your need wasn’t met by something fleeting but by something sustainable and that builds up your character.

In one of your emails, I absolutely loved this comment:
I say this because I wonder if those women, and men involved realize the depression and destruction they are causing to people and relationships because of the false pretenses and lies and fake fantasy world that is portrayed. I suppose they only care about the money and laugh to the bank. I have a book about male depression written by a Christian and it states that about 50% of christian males have trouble with porn. The churches often speak about how men need to avoid pornography, this is true, but offers very little help. I think that there are ways for wives to help but it never seems to be discussed, that is why I don't think counseling will help our relationship when the issue will be for the man to stop and the women to be patient………….This combination of lifelong exposure, one partner, and now sexual frustration makes me give in and think that I am unique with a stronger libido and there's nothing that's going to change it I just need to accept that this is the way I am……. I wish that people in the industry would be more carring about the trumoil they are causing and not think that they are filling in the voids, in reality in only makes a bigger void.


I honestly couldn’t say it better myself…you may feel that you have a sexual “void” in your relationship, but the more you try and fill that void and invest emotionally in other things…meanwhile, you’re losing a healthy way of communicating and visualizing your wife and when you expect those things to be fine…you realize there’s an even bigger void than when you started. One thing I will say is that book that says 50% of Christian men have trouble with porn…..I dare say that of the men they polled, 50% or close to that, lied. I don’t think this is a 50% struggle whether you’re Christian or not. I think sex is sex and it’s enjoyable and ALL men want it and like it. I think that PEOPLE have taken sex and turned it into a sport and something to make money. I think that well over 50% of men lose themselves in what PEOPLE have done to something so beautiful whether they struggle with looking at women walking down the street inappropriately, to looking at porn, or sleeping with multiple women. I think it’s an excuse to ‘get what you need’, to ‘make you feel happy’, to ultimately, live for yourself. I wonder how the world and the economy would change if people would stop living for themselves.


Again, Jeff, I appreciate you and your honesty. I truly hope you take your recent realizations and put them to the test. This is a hard struggle and you can’t do it alone. You mentioned you don’t feel comfortable going to anyone you know about this. Some of the best support is found in other places. The best support Damien found was in a group in our community where men meet and focus on sexual integrity. However, of course the first place I feel you need to go to for strength, guidance, and wisdom is God. You mentioned growing up with spiritual values. Well, I’m not sure where you are now, but you are no where by accident! Dive deep into that thought and find out where God is. I can give you a hint…He’s not very far ;)

"Your actions don't match your Bible talk!!"

AAhhhhh....if I had a dollar every time I heard that phrase, I'd be pretty well off :)

I must admit, the first time I heard it, it really broke my heart - because it was true. It never matters how awesome you are...how good you are...if you mess up once, to some people, your discredited for life. I can understand where this makes sense - however, I also believe in God's grace and have seen first hand how it's changed a person completely inside out- and now I look at 'lack of moral judgment' with a different perspective.

The phrase above didn't hurt because I was trying to be someone I wasn't...it was because I was a Christian and I did make a mistake. I think a misconception people have is that if you proclaim to be Christian or claim to be a "Jesus Follower" or if you read the Bible...that it means you are never ever, ever, ever, EVER allowed to make a mistake because, well, that would make you a hypocrite! Which reminds me of my other favorite phrase..."I don't go to church because I went there before and it's just a bunch of hypocrites."

So I want to just touch on these two phrases. Christians will make mistakes regardless of how much they read the Bible or talk about Jesus. It doesn't make them a bad person and that nothing they've ever talked about lacks meaning. For example, Kirk Franklin. Famous gospel singer who was very much looked up to. My favorite song that he did was "Stomp". Since about 9 years of age, he struggled with sexual integrity and during the height of his career, he looked at pornography on a daily basis and had various love affairs. He's talked about the tremendous amount of guilt he would have after leaving the stage of a 'successful' concert. He dealt with his issue straight on and after fully relying on God, was able to be freed from his addiction. In the mean time, while he was 'coming out' so to speak about his addiction, many probably saw him as a hypocrite. However, because of his honesty and the change he's made in his life, he is still very highly respected as a Christian and musician.

Contrary to a recent comment, Damien and I were 'saved' before we started our relationship. Damien grew up in a Christian home and 'accepted Christ' when he was 10. I grew up in a spiritual home, not really knowing at all about a relationship with Jesus, and accepted Christ when I was 17.
So, this commenter might now be wondering, "how/why does that happen?"
Well - there's always a process. I love these lyrics in this song,
"It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day"

It's very true. Neither one of us woke up one morning and decided to be immoral! It takes months, if not years, for deceit to prepare someone to be open to such an idea, especially one like ours. We convinced ourselves out of convenience for our feelings and believed in lies that we learned from the world - and here we are. Even as blessed as we are today; we still have torn families, no relationship with his children, and people talking about us on forums even 4 years later.

So...if you learn of someone doing something out of character and your first reaction is to judge. First, evaluate your own life and see if it's perfect. Second, if possible, get to know that person and the process that lead them there. The process does not excuse a person from making bad decisions, but evaluating the process is essential to moving forward. Third, it is not your responsibility to make sure someone has 'paid' for their mistakes. If you have something to say, say it to the person's face and work it out with them. If you don't even know them or have the chance to get to know them, most likely you shouldn't be judging in the first place.

Oh..and by the way..church is for hypocrites. In one way, it was always meant to be a support system because Christians were never meant to be perfect. And if you find a good church, the people there will know that and you'll be surprised how honest they truly are about their 'hypocrisies'.


Now when someone says the phrase to me, "your actions don't match your Bible talk!", I always try to talk to that person. Because no, my actions didn't match before, and although I'm not claiming to be perfect, I am not currently living in the same way as I was at that time. Most of the time, it sheds great light on the situation and like many of you, they don't agree with my decisions, but they understand. If they still don't understand or usually don't care to understand, then God is my defender and He is who I live for. I can only focus on that :)