Candy Flirting

So I stopped into Starbucks as I do every once in awhile...it was during the morning rush. As I was 'fixing up' my coffee at the little table designated for creamers and sugar, a man (who we'll call Mark) said to me, "this is where we make it candy!" I laughed a little laugh and smiled, never taking my eyes off my coffee. His friend walked up behind me, waiting for me to finish. Mark then repeated himself again to his friend..."this is where we make it candy!"
His friend replied, "oh, I thought you were flirting!"
Mark responded, "Oh no, haha, but no one said I couldn't look!"
His friend joined in the fun, "Exactly...you promise your heart, not your eyes!"

............so........as I stood there stirring my coffee intently, smiling....I thought to myself, "What can I sssaaaaaayyyy???? Say something! Think of something! Do something!"

Well, I said nothing and as I turned to leave, said "have a great day!" to Mark.

This experience made me feel like I should have little business cards with my blog address on them to hand to people when I feel like I have something to say, haha! It's not that I want to jump down their throat, but sometimes I do feel it could be a good time and necessary for me to say a word or two. What fascinates me is Mark's friend's last line...."you promised your heart, not your eyes".

From what I've gathered, this is a blanket belief across society. People (not just men), think that because it's their "nature" to be attracted to the opposite sex and because they "can't help it", that it's accepted and okay. Why mess with what is natural? Why argue with it?

Well how much does it really make sense to promise your heart and not your eyes? Doesn't it start with your eyes? That one glance and whether or not you give yourself permission to look twice?? Aren't your eyes what attracted you to your spouse in the first place? So....how does it make sense that you wouldn't possibly eventually run into the heart while you're busy looking too hard??

Concerning pornography.....in this book that I'm reading, one of the many interesting findings is disbelief men have that anyone would have anything to say about them watching porn. Some men even say if a woman had a problem with it, it would be a "deal breaker" for them.

.....Interesting.....there's a 'void' in your life so you use it as an excuse to look at porn and then when that void approaches you and actually wants to work on your relationship in a healthy manner, you push the void even further away to now console a psychologically and unhealthy damaging relationship with an image.

Why is that okay, I ask you? Why is it okay that porn and wheather someone is okay with it can be a deal breaker in a relationship? You might say, "well that person is just really addicted to porn and they have a problem! I wouldn't do that" Ok, well what would you say if you found out that most men actually feel this way? What if this thought was the representation of society and the way relationships are prioritized? Even if it was a minimal percentage who felt this way...doesn't that scare you just a little bit to see how porn is affecting our view of relationships?

When I think of a man who is willing to break off a relationship with a woman because she has a problem with him looking at porn......just skimming the service, this is what I assume about that person:

1. He has an unhealthy reality concerning relationships
2. He's selfish
3. Human life and fantasy images/videos are on the same playing field
4. He most likely has control issues and isn't willing to work with people to better himself
5. This unfair disadvantage all the women will have in his life will ultimately destroy his perception of them and will probably have a chain reaction on those women, leaving them feeling like they now have to compete with porn stars to have a 'real' relationship.

Now that I read over those characteristics.....I actually think that could be the trend of all men looking at porn (openly or behind someone's back), not just those willing to compromise relationships for it.

Do you see yourself that way?

Clarification

"I'm curious if this has been addressed in your blog anywhere:

(removed link)

I haven't read most of the blog (there's a lot to read), and you seem to address your former porn career well; I just haven't heard anything on this, about how you had an affair with a married man, much less your high school teacher.

Once again, I've only skimmed this blog. If you've already addressed this issue, please point me there. I'm only being critical if you've decided to leave out this detail of your life and portray yourself exclusively as a victim."

This was a comment I received. I thought it was important to share, but I could not "approve" the post entirely because of the link that was included in the comment. Basically, as you can probably tell, the link was to a document that someone took the time to make of pictures of myself (prior to and including Dawson pics), pictures of Damien, and a whole low-down of our life...our story. I am not ashamed to show this information, however, I do know that some of you come here knowing that there will be no temptation in your way. Therefore, I will not and cannot post links that can lead you to those possible temptations.

Now onto the rest of the comment:
First to the commentator - I mention bits and pieces of this time in my life through out my blog. I go into further detail in a few areas of which I will mention. First, on the right hand side of the homepage of my blog, there are a few links to "My Story" where you will find very abbreviated autobiographies about many stages of my life.
Second, the main posts that come to mind where I specifically talk about me and Damien's past are "Willing to Grow" and "Tristan and Isolde". I hope these readings will provide you with some insight.

My hope and prayer is that for any of you who regularly read the blog and keep up with the posts, is that you can see Damien and I have seen first hand and have dealt with (and will continue to deal with) the hurt that we have caused other people. This covers from the moment we first had an inappropriate conversation to the last pornographic photograph I took. (I say that because the time in between is what I consider a 'phase' in my life). We are not perfect and there are still very close people to us out there who are still not 'okay' with us. We continue to work on those relationships.

I hope I do a good job explaining where our 'turn-around' started...and it really was that moment we watched Tristan and Isolde (see this post) that we truly and honestly FULLY realized the extent to which we were wrong and how crucial it was to start living our lives differently. (Up until this point, we continued to justify our actions with the love we had for each other)

All that said...this blog is titled "Outside But In Porn" because it was always meant for me to talk about my experiences inside the porn industry, how brief that may be, and how my life is now affected afterward. I understand my relationship with Damien and is and should be a point of focus and you all may ask as MANY questions as you need to about that. However, it is not the primary focus of this blog.

Also...I just wanted to touch on one more thing...........I'm not sure how to formulate my words, but...I do not feel and therefore hope I do not express myself as being a victim of the porn industry.

I made a decision; a decision to take part in a solo girl nude website. I am now confronting life in a very, very different way than most people due to this decision. I feel it is my responsibility to communicate my experiences because they are so diverse and unique. It is a privilege for one of my consequences to be to talk to men about their struggles with porn to somehow understand a topic so epidemic, yet so unknown and secret. If anyone is a victim, it is the men that are bombarded with countless 'sexified' material a day and the women who are now objectified because of it.

I hope this has allowed some clarification.

I need your opinions!

Hello to all! My apologies for slacking on the consistency of my writing! I just returned from vacation which was very much needed. Damien and I headed up to Tennessee and on our way back, visited some friends in Pensacola for 4th of July. Damien lived in Tennessee for 9 years with his former wife so he has a lot of history there...plus he loves it. I've gone there a few times with him now, the most awkward time being when one of his good friends got married. Obviously most of his friends up there were also friends with him and his former wife. But those types of confrontations are good and healthy....it's good for us to feel that awkwardness that we created. It's good for me to look into the eyes of those that truly cared for them both as a couple. It's, of course, good for Damien to also speak with those that he's hurt. But it's also good for them...for them to get to know us, if that's their choice, and to see us for who we are. If you guys think you've heard a lot, you should imagine what it must be like to be one of our past friends or family members! But even after they've heard all that you can imagine, they need to see us for who we are now.

Damien was able to meet up with his best friend from Tennessee. They haven't talked at all really since Damien left his family 4 years ago. I didn't accompany him because I felt it was necessary for them to speak brother to brother. And they did. His friend hit him with some tough stuff, some tough questions. It was amazing for them to get together even after all this time and grapple with some truth. It's always tough to have those types of confrontations but they're always worth it. Our entire trip to Tennessee was worth that conversation.

While I was away, I started a book! A little tidbit about me....I'm not a big reader, even if what I'm reading is interesting. I just wasn't one of those kids in schools! So please pray for me as I obviously have to do a lot of reading about pornography..hah...luckily, the research about porn in itself is very fascinating so as long as I get started, I usually do okay! But anyway, I started a book about pornography which so far, is the most interesting and comprehensive books I've read to date about the topic. If you don't mind, I'd like to wait a couple weeks before I disclose the name of the book just to make sure I want to. :) I'm sure you understand.

The book got me thinking and while embarking on our 9 hour drive home, Damien and I started mapping out some important key facts about my future. I'm looking into more ways I can talk to individuals about pornography and I would like your opinions and ideas of what those ways could be. I'm also wanting to hear your thoughts on doing a scheduled Live Chat that will discuss a specific aspect of pornography...what do you think?! Please comment or email me your thoughts at outsidebutinporn@gmail.com.

Thanks guys- talk to you soon!