The other night, I had the opportunity to listen to a speech by Sy Rogers, an internationally recognized speaker, as well as meet with him one on one. His journey has been long and I truly hope you will take a look at his website and watch some of his youtube clips. He had some great points that stuck with me that I'd like to share one in particular with you and possibly more in entries to come...
He has struggled with sexual integrity and his definition of integrity is "responsibility management on feelings". In other words, someone who struggles with sexual integrity has trouble responsibly handling the management of their sexual feelings. Sy also said we are not born with self control, therefore, we must learn it in all areas of life including sexuality. On day 1, we're not able to lift our own heads, let alone know all appropriate boundaries of life. This we must learn. When we're younger, we touch, slap, talk back, disrespect and a resounding "NO!" follows...and that's how we learn self control of our behavior! This leads into our teens and adult life, with a little more explanation about why things are not appropriate. Unfortunately, in terms of sexual boundaries, I don't feel are discussed enough with kids and teens.
When we 'do whatever we please' no matter the circumstance....regardless of the "No" in our lives, regardless of the responsibility we have to control our feelings and actions...we will inevitably receive the consequences. Some are immediate consequences and are over quickly such as a 'time out'...and then as we get older and as our actions become more pertinent, those consequences can last a lot longer at times....
But notice how our nature so loathes the "no!" but yet seems to just drift towards it. We can learn so much about ourselves as we look back on our own childhood or those that are children today and see how they will inch their way closer and closer, just seeing how close they can get to the "no" before it comes! And then when it does, they're upset!?!? It may be funny to us as adults but it's very real to them and in very similar ways, we as adults aren't much different. In many ways, we're just big kids with no parents to yell at us when we've lacked integrity.
Where are the "no's" in your life and who's saying it? Yourself? Your girlfriend? Wife? God? Friend? Society? Who's telling you "no" and maybe even more intriguing....what are they saying "yes" to? I'm sure all your influences aren't agreeing with each other :)
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
In this book I'm reading...the author interviews men about why they look at pornography. The reasons range from being exposed to it at a young age, to being bored, to preferring to take the 'easy' route for sexual pleasure, to just loving it and wanting it and the list goes on.
"There's nothing wrong with sexual pleasure", one of the men says, "I enjoy watching other people have sex and porn is about seeing other people healthily enjoying themselves."
Some men just want to see what's out there so they look for curiosity. "Like when you're going to a store- do you want vanilla, strawberry, or chocolate ice cream? I'll sit down at the computer and say, 'Hmm, I feel like Asian girls tonight.'"
"We see porn the way women view vibrators - it's a quick way to get off and get on with your day."
"it's like scratching an itch".......
......it occurs to me over and over again as I keep reading these men's perspectives just how flippant their view of sexual pleasure is....scratching an itch? As if it's an annoying bodily circumstance that just needs the quickest and fastest relief possible and then it'll be fine.
This "itch" seems annoying...
..it seems unbearable..
..it seems unstoppable..
..so strong that the feelings of those closest to you are not enough to scratch that itch the right way. Even with a real itch, there is a right way and a wrong way to scratch it. One way can damage your skin and cause bleeding, but there are other alternatives to help stop the itching.
Many of the men in this book are not truthful with their use of pornography with those around them. "It's none of their business and it's about my personal pleasure...why would they have to know?" Whether their girlfriend/wife knows nothing, the half truth, or the entire truth (very rare)....one thing (so far), they all have in common........they 100% separate their porn use with the rest of their life. It is not one in the same to them...it doesn't "affect" their actual sex life, but yet they just can't help those images from flashing in their head during sex. How is that separate, exactly?
I understand this post is here and there with my thoughts. Sometimes my mind races so fast when I think of how pornography influences our lives that all my thoughts just mesh together! Why is pornography so powerful? Why does it convince you to make up excuses just so you can view it? Why are those you are hurting around you not enough to even look into the possibilities that it actually could be a bad thing for you? Why wouldn't anyone be open to anything that could be good for you?
All I know is...I had to try and explain to one of my best friends why she was not enough for her mother to stay faithful to her dad. She asked me....because she knew I was once in her mom's world....I've felt from her perspective. One day, I will most likely have a very similar conversation with my two step children...they are going to wonder why they were not enough...why their mom was not enough for their dad and me to stop our behavior............it's not fair. The reason for the question isn't fair and no answer will ever do that question justice.
So what's your excuse?
What explanation are you going to give your wife, your kids, your boss, your family - for not considering the cost of your behavior concerning their well being? How are you going to explain to them that they were not enough?