'Do you know what I mean when I say “I don’t want to be alone”?'

Ever since I was young……..I noticed a very subtle pattern in my life. The first instance I can remember vividly was back in middle school.

When I get upset, my first reaction is not to vent to someone. I don’t usually call anyone. I don’t turn to a good friend. I usually prefer to be by myself at first. Sometimes I pray, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I take the time to cry…….think………….

Then, if I feel it’s necessary, I may share my thoughts with someone, especially if I don’t feel resolved just from my time alone.

Well………..there have been very few times over the years…….very few; when I have felt so absolutely helpless and lifeless……that I just felt like I needed another human to make me feel human. I’d call……….I’d call………..I’d call………and for every single one of these few times in my life….no one was ever there. –No one’s fault, of course……it was just the simple fact that…..no one was available.

I’d feel so desperate, that I’d have no choice but to call to God. Tell Him how I feel. Lean on Him……..completely.

During the past year, I talked about this to me and Damien’s marriage therapist. He sat and thought for a moment….and wondered out loud if God was preparing me for a time in my life when I would be in desolate loneliness.

Why do I tell you this………………well………I am scared to feel that alone one day. Each one of those few times were so significant in my life that I did not go through each one without coming out a different person on the other side. I feel empty thinking about what that must feel like on a much grandeur scale.

No……..I do not look forward to possibly feeling that lonely one day.

But I will. Meaning……I will if I have to. I will do it for you. I’m not looking for praise or sympathy. I am stating something. I will face that loneliness with honor knowing it was for the few that became educated on what porn is….what it does to their well being…their family…our world. I will do it for couples to experience a relationship and a love like they never thought they could.

I am feeling the notion that readers and some friends and family…..think I am doing this blog basically to make myself feel better. To justify my actions.

If I could paint a picture…..give you a visual…..let you inside my head for a moment just to show you where my intentions are, I would.

No offense but – if I wanted to live for myself and my comfort zones and what’s “best” for me and my family (financially speaking), I would have never started this. I would have ‘moved on from my past’ as many people do with skeletons in their closet. Sometimes, I still experience feelings of wanting that lifestyle. It’s definitely less complicated, I’ll tell ya that.

But what do I want more? When faced with a tough decision, I always ask myself, what will bring God more glory? Whatever the answer is, I go that route. Because it doesn’t matter what I want my life to be like…it doesn’t matter what my family needs financially….the most important thing to me is bringing God glory and in this instance, that meant talking about my life and my experiences!

I chose you. I hope you know that.

Just so you know…..I do plan on taking this to a much bigger scale. If God decides to put all sorts of road blocks in my way and all it ever is, is this blog – I could ask for nothing more :)

But if He doesn’t….then I hope you come along this journey with me with an open heart and mind. Some of you are Christian, some of you aren’t. It doesn’t matter. None of us are too good to learn something along the way.